Heidi Montag Wants to Wed

Finally realizing she has no marketable talents, Heidi Montag is now “ready to marry Spencer,” the man who has famously helped her make a career out of shopping and wearing a bikini…and sometimes doing both at the same time.

The platinum-maned queen of the photo op told Us Weekly that boyfriend Spencer Pratt is her “soul mate.” She claims to have won him over when she “read [him] biblical passages like ‘Honor thy wife.’ “

Hmmm, lucky for Heidi Spencer didn’t notice she was holding the tome upside down. Reading is for ugly people!

If these two thought for one second that they held America in “suspense” as to whether or not they’d ultimately end up together, they were sorely mistaken.

Pam and Jim from The Office, these two are not.