The Curious Ways of Joe Simpson

To hear dictatorial dadager Joe Simpson tell it, it’s not his fault that the world thinks of him as a sleazeball. It’s the press’ fault, for reporting on his sleazeball antics.

In an effort to massage his demonic public image, Papa Joe sat down with Extra to dispel some common conceptions about himself.

“The media says I try to plan everything,” Simpson protests. “They [Ashlee and Jessica] don’t call me and ask me. They call me and tell me.”

Despite tabloid reports that Joe was instrumental in driving Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo away from Jessica, Joe insists his firstborn is “the happiest I’ve seen her in years.”

Oh, really? If that’s the case, Joe has probably seen his kid in some pretty miserable positions. Which is entirely plausible.

She’s selling her panties, Joe…and she’s not even a Japanese schoolgirl.

Something’s gravely wrong here.