The Jonas Brothers Offer Chaste Advice

Abstinence may make the heart grow fonder, but not for rude girls who don’t treat their moms well, according to the Jonas Brothers.

Disney’s squeaky-clean pop combo stopped gazing longingly into each other’s eyes long enough to tell OK! magazine about their ideal woman. Naturally, their criteria are sweet enough to induce diabetes.

“[I look for] somebody who is really good to Mom,” says Joe Jonas. “When they walk into a room, they don’t only greet the people they think they’re supposed to greet, but they greet everybody.”

All of this is moot since these are the guys who while away their free evenings with rousing games of Pictionary and proudly flaunt their purity rings. What self-respecting girl in the post-Britney age would date these wet noodles?

If the Bros don’t loosen up soon, they’ll combust in a fiery ball of sexual frustration. Or sublimate their urges by blowing smack into each other’s orifices with straws. Probably the bendy kind. Because they’re rebels. Of virginity.