Mini-Me Nearly Drowned for Sex

…and, really, who doesn’t want to hear the gory details from the night Verne Troyer and Ranae Shrider made sweet music for the camera?

Lucky for us, classy lass Ranae blabbed about everything—no, really…everything—to U.K. rag News of the World.

Here are the top five quotes from the coup of the century:

* “I had to kneel down just to give him a hug. And anything but the traditional missionary position was just impossible. So I’d lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees!”

* “It was strange having sex with someone who couldn’t reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over. But minutes later Verne was ready to go again. That night we made love three times in 20 minutes, which most bigger men only dream about doing.”

* “I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub. Sadly I almost killed him. While Verne was watching TV I ran the bath, emptied a bottle of bubbles in it and called him in. But the bubbles were so thick and high that once he climbed in he got lost under the water and I couldn’t see him.”

* “I was frantic and started to scoop the bubbles out so I could find him. The bath was only about three feet deep but for someone of Verne’s size it was like he’d fallen into the deep end of a swimming pool—and he CAN’T swim. I put my hand under and eventually felt his bald head and hauled him out. I couldn’t believe I’d tried to do something sexy and ended up almost killing him. He looked like a drowned rat.”

* “Without a doubt there’s nothing Verne enjoys more than seeing himself on screen. Watching his own films is his favourite hobby. So it was no surprise when he asked if he could film us having sex. He said we could use it to get ourselves turned on. First the tape shows Verne pleasuring me for 15 minutes which was amazing. The next 45 minutes is us having sex. And we really enjoyed ourselves.”