Videogum Recap: Gossip Girl

OK, so last week Jenny Humphrey quit her job with Eleanor Waldorf and decided to start her own fashion line, and as this week’s episode opens Jenny is just putting the finishing touches on a final dress. What? I’m not involved or even interested in the fashion world, but something tells me that it takes longer than a week to put together an entire line of “couture,” especially when you’re 15 years old and you are home-schooled. She works in her room but is still somehow able to keep it a secret from Rufus? Did he go back on tour with the Lemonheads or whatever? For as disgusting and manipulative and venal and self-involved as everyone else on this show is, the Humphrey family really gives Brooklyn a bad name. No wonder no one else on the show ever wants to come here!

So Jenny’s masterplan for success is to throw a guerrilla fashion show at a charity event, because rich people will be there and they’ll want to invest in her designs. You know, it would be nice if this show made an occasional effort to casually nod towards the way the world works, just like, hey, we know, sorry about all this. Guerrilla fashion show. Right. I heard that’s basically how Bill Gates got his start. Anyway, Dan Humphrey catches Jenny when she’s about to load all her designs into a van and he gets all Dan on her, what with the judgment and the frowns. He goes to find Rufus, who’s probably at Barnes and Noble picking up a copy of How To Not Be The Worst Father Ever For Dummies. Because, you know, considering all of Jenny’s behavior in recent weeks, it is totally reasonable to leave her by herself with just her rack of clothes, all her friends, and the van, and expect her to wait for Rufus to come and punish her.

The charity event is to honor Lilly and Bart Bass, which Jenny didn’t know when she was preparing her guerrilla fashion show. WAIT. She knew that investors from LVMH, PPR, and Herst were going to be at this event, but she didn’t know what the event was about? Granted, I guess that’s what happens when your marketing consultant is the 16-year-old president of the Battles fan club. Even Bill Gates knew what gala he was crashing when he threw his legendary name-making guerilla computer show. Anyway, Jenny gets cold feet about the event and Nate is like “Don’t do it, I’ll kiss you!” And then the best part is Jenny says “I guess this means you don’t regret the other night,” and Nate says “I guess not.” ROMANCE! He guesses that he doesn’t regret kissing you! Also someone takes their picture and puts it on gossipgirl.livejournal.com, because every few weeks we need to be reminded of what the initial idea behind this show even was, otherwise we’re just floating in a waveless sea of dehumanizing over-indulgence and emotional alienation. BLOGS!

Rufus and Dan and Vanessa arrive at the charity event to try and stop Jenny. In the cab ride Rufus is like “you’re going to let the Mr. Softee truck pass us?” and tries to bribe the cabbie with a one. Get it? Mr. Softee is a type of ice cream and Rufus is so broke he can only afford to live in a multi-million dollar Brooklyn loft. New York Cityyyyy! Bart Bass sees Rufus and is like “whuuuuuuut?” Meanwhile, Dan finds Nate and throws him up against a pillar and is like “You kissed my sister on the internet.” Why is Dan always punching people and throwing them up against walls? Isn’t he supposed to be a homosexual poet or something? Nate Archibald could crush him. Not that he would. He’s too much of a gentleman. But Dan needs to mind his place. Which is jail. His place is jail.

Jenny pulls off her big show and all the rich people are like “I’m aghast, but I am also in love with these stupid fashions!” Seriously, all of Jenny’s designs are, like, what Sue Ellen makes for General Apparel West in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. I haven’t seen that many splatter-painted baby doll dresses with taffeta skirts since the release of Live Through This.

After the show, Rufus is like “Officer, please take my daughter to jail,” but Lilly says she’s not going to press charges and the cop is like “Donut time!” It’s really cute of Lilly to intervene and undermine Rufus’s parenting, considering how they are too of the most negligent parents in the history of parents. And by cute I mean horrible. Rufus may be a terrible father and his children should be removed from his care by social services, but he’s still the boss of this stupid, miserable family, and Lilly needs to mind her own business. Besides, we were THIS CLOSE to sending Jenny Humphrey to prison. Jenny Humphrey Graduate! To Jail! The Entire Humphrey Family Graduate There!

Meanwhile, Blair still wants to get into Yale, and Serena offers Blair’s services to babysit for a friend of the dean’s tween daughter for the night because that is how college works. Then Blair spends the whole night chasing the tween around to various NEW YORK CITY HOT SPOTS trying to keep her from losing her virginity or something. I don’t know, I gave the Blair plotline a shot, and while it’s efforts were admirable, I was bored, and it ruined my pants. Although I LOL’ed at this scene. Keep your eyes on the coffee cup.

So full of coffee! The drinks are as realistic as the behaviors and relationships!

Oh, and Serena keeps trying to date that artist from last week but he keeps having girlfriends and she gets sick of it and is like “you have too many girlfriends is the thing,” but he uses the best ever pick up line which is “I’m not going to explain all my girlfriends to you, either you feel something here or you don’t.” Perfect. He sounds like a date rapist. I hope he does rape Serena and she has to get shipped back to boarding school before the scandal brings down all of Bass Industries. Seriously. Rape is no joke, but neither is my hatred of the fictional character Serena Van Der Woodsen. Next week: Jenny runs away and gets hit by a bus. Serena Van Der Woodsen gets into a time machine but fails to get her teenage parents to kiss at the dance so she’s never born. Dan Humphrey gets hit by the same bus that killed Jenny. Chuck and Blair get married and take over the whole show. And then Bart Bass wakes up and it turns out it was all just my dream.

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Tags: Gossip Girl
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