The Superficial Gives a Britney Retrospect and Predictions for 2009
The Superficial, contrary to what their name implies, provides the deepest analysis of celebrity culture that the Internet has ever known. You just never realize how serious they’re being because their observations come so fast and furious. So check out the fast and furious Superficial recap of 2008 and predictions for 2009.
2008: The Year Britney Spears Made us Crap our Pants—then Stole Our Hearts
2008 will be remembered as the year Britney Spears achieved insane levels of batshit only to turn around and have everyone believe she’s America’s sweetheart again. Seriously, does nobody remember the pink wig, the British accent, the SWAT teams, Sam Lutfi, Adnan Ghalib, the endless consumption of Starbucks and, Oh God the memories, her unholy embargo on bras? That shit doesn’t go away. No, no, my friends. That’s the stuff that concentrates itself into a tiny, explosive ball that’s easily concealable under a new set of abs and a resculpted, and admittedly smoking, posterior. When will it go off? The world may never know….
But probably March.
2009: The Year Britney Snaps All Over Our Asses
The ticking time bomb that is Britney Jean Spears will explode sometime during her March Tour. Casualties will include Jamie Spears, Lance Bass, Simon Cowell’s sardonic wit and Jayden James’ ability to commit himself to just one woman. When America turns to Kevin Federline for some sense of stability in this tragedy, he will momentarily rise to the occasion only to eat his weight in Domino’s then suffer a stroke after fathering no less than eight children at a local strip club.
1. Paris Hilton will get pregnant then host a reality show to determine the father. (Spoiler: It’s John Mayer.)
2. Lindsay Lohan will perform dinner theater—to rave reviews.
3. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will convert to Scientology then be rocketed into space to find Xenu. Tom Cruise will be awarded a Congressional Medal of Honor and enjoy a one-month reprieve from gay midget jokes.
4. Kim Kardashian will lose even more weight and eventually ousts Jared as the new face of Subway sandwiches. He vows revenge.
5. Madonna’s body will be found on the pitcher’s mound of Yankees stadium. Time of death? 12:01 AM May 16, 1995!
Then again, the Mole People, under the command of Christina Aguilera’s husband Jordan Bratman, could rise from the Earth’s core and declare war on us surface-dwellers making all of my predictions moot. It’s a toss-up.