A Holiday Charity We Can All Get Behind

There are any number of people who find fame for less than noteworthy reasons. There are any number of people who are complete and total bores. Levi Johnston has managed to combine the two qualities in such a perfect balance of unpleasantness, that he really must go. 

And, I have a plan on how to do it.

We’ll raise one-million dollars and make Levi Johnston go away.

We might get away with a bit less in the dollar amount, but I really want to to be safe.  I really want Levi Johnston to disappear, like a blessed bit of magic.

We’ll give him the money, in a suitcase designed specifically to hold one-million dollars.  We’ll let him know that he must go far away and never return. To a foreign land, at least two continents away, maybe even an atoll in the Pacific, anywhere without modern communications. He must never show his face (or body) ever again.

Made famous for a couple minutes of questionable performance in the back of an SUV, Levi Johnston is an inexplicably lingering boil on the nation’s collective buttocks. But, now, I have this brilliant plan to lance him.

I’m quite certain he just wants money. If we pay him one-million dollars, he will go away.  Yes, there’s the chance he’ll blow through it and come back for more. But we’ll build fences, with electrical current, and set up rings of tanks, and order him to never come back. We’ll broadcast our warning in English and Spanish, just to be politically correct.

There are any number of solid, deserving charities this holiday season. I’d love to see every child in this world be happy, fed, and surrounded by toys. But, how can we have Peace on Earth, when the fingernails-on-chalkboard that is Levi Johnston continues to plague our blessed land?