“The Other Woman” Handbook

It’s easy to write off a married celebrity’s lady-on-the-side as a simple, stamped tramp. It’s much tougher to understand the rigorous training and dedication required to properly carry out the role.

Case in point: Rachel Uchitel, the recently LAX-landed Celebstress of world premiere golfer, Tiger Woods. Uchitel obviously read “The Other Woman” handbook.  She didn’t just arrive, she arrived ready, with key elements of her rise-to-fame plan already in place.

1.  The Denial.  Extremely important, but so often overlooked, the key to building an affair with that “sell-ability” factor is the firm and blanket denial of any and all rumors. Rielle Hunter did a great job of this for John Edwards, you know, until the baby was born.   Such a rookie mistake. Ms. Uchitel has firmly denied any sexual liaisons with the first man of golf. And, oh, how a denial is like bloody chum to a frenzied media shark.

2.  The Attorney. The critical hire for any Celebstress is the media-savvy attorney to, first, slightly alter the denial into a more obscure comment that might later be changed into a confirmation without being considered an outright lie. The attorney is the person you want out front to firmly discount the notion that any discussions are taking place with media outlets to sell stories. This is really key, most especially when having discussions with media outlets to sell stories. Ms. Uchitel was met at the airport this morning by Gloria Allred.  Check that box off in the “Other Woman” Handbook.

3.  Bed a Man With a Hot Wife.  Deep down, we all believe that a man can be tempted by a woman who’s worlds hotter than his own wife. But stealing a man from a hot actress or model? That’s an accomplishment that leaves the collective scratching their heads and thinking, “I wonder what she’s got that the wife doesn’t?” Remember Angelina and Jen?  It’s the ultimate platform for salacious bedroom talk about women who can (or can’t) please their man.

4.  The Skeevy Background. Another key element for optimum Celebstress performance is the colorful sexual background.  In this case, Ms. Uchitel, a New York City night club “hostess,” has been rumored to have conjugated verbs with Derek Jeter and Alex Rodgriguez of the New York Yankees, and TV actor David Boreanaz. If you can’t fairly be called a “slut” by catty female observers, you’re not ready for prime time.

5.  Steal Hubby From a Young Mother.  Super important. The Celebstress looking for the optimum media circus will instinctively know to “hook” her big fish when his wife is in the throes of infant-rearing. Not only does nature provide the underlying extra-marital conditions for hubby, but the scandal increases so many fold when “The Other Woman” is stealing hubby while wife is in her most vulnerable and dutiful state.  Nobody feels sorry for the hot Swedish model married to Tiger Woods. But mom of two little ones being burned by night club tramp?  Punch your ticket, bimbo, you’re on your way.

6.  Keep Receipts.  Okay, this one remains to be seen from Ms. Uchitel, but the well-trained Celebstress knows the importance of keeping some undeniable token of her celeb’s affections. Monica Lewinsky perhaps took this “receipt” rule to a whole new level.  But, let’s face it, no blue dress, and the ditzy intern goes down in history as a delusional nutbag, you know, as opposed to a skeevy ho’ bag. Big difference. Dirty text messages, emails, sex tapes, canceled checks from the New York State Treasury, these could all suffice in place of soiled garments.

A few simple rules can really dictate success or failure in translating gross, personal behavior into gross profits.

By strictly following these rules, I’d say Ms. Uchitel is well on her way to becoming fabulously infamous.  All because she understands that being a successful Celebstress and “Other Woman” requires far more than just flashing some vayjayjay at a multimillionaire actor or athlete—you’ve got to follow the Handbook.