Tiger Woods Issues Best. Wishy-Washy Confession. Ever.

It looks like Tiger Woods has finally come clean. Sorta.

The golf legend—who’s been plagued by rumors of infidelity for the past week—penned a post for his official Web site this morning titled “Tiger comments on current events,” and if you think it contained Woods’ deep thoughts on the proposed troop surge in Afghanistan, sorry—no cookie for you.

The missive begins,

“I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.”

After denying that his wife, model Elin Nordegren, slapped him around prior to his car accident in the early-morning hours last Friday, Woods goes on to express his deep regret—primarily, for the fact that he’s apparently been publicly outed as a philanderer:

“But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.”

Claiming to be principled and virtuous while admitting—kind-of, almost—that you’ve been sleeping around on your wife? That’s gold, right there.

Cheaters, take note—this is how it’s done. No wonder Tiger earns the big bucks.