Will The Spellings’ Reconciliation Create a Butterfly Effect And Finally Bring About World Peace?
After several years of battles waged through conniving hearts, equally conniving publicists, and tearful tabloid cover stories, it was announced this week that Tori Spelling and Candy Spelling have ended their long-time feud* (see below for full recap) and rekindled their familial relations in what can only be described as a heaven-sent reconciliation between two bitterly warring factions.
Indeed, the ripple effects of this détente are being felt both literally and figuratively around the globe this day. Inspired by the Spellings commitment to peace, numerous other warring parties have turned in their swords for plowshares, committed to finding both the strength and the humility to end long standing disputes.
TIGER WOODS and ELIN NORDEGREN
Moved by what Elin referred to as, “that 90210 b*tch’s sweet gesture”, the former nanny/model has agreed to put down the golf clubs and give her misguided husband one more chance at beautiful romance. At the same time, no innocent to this world, Elin’s placed a framed photo of Lorena Bobbitt next to a pair of gardening shears on the couple’s bedroom nightstand.
JON VOIGHT and ANGELINA JOLIE
The father and daughter have been in a non-speaking, P.R. statement battle since 2002 when Jon publicly called his daughter a nutjob and seemingly didn’t know the name of his newly adopted grandson, leading Angelina to cut-off all contact. However, inspired by Candy and Tori, the Voights have more toward their own reconciliation, on the condition that Jon can name all forty-seven of Angelina’s current or prospective adopted children. Jons’ currently studying for the exam slated for the first of the year.
MADONNA and GUY RITCHIE
This married couple battled like no other. Madonna was alleged to have had at least one affair during their marriage, while Ritchie made the exact same movie three times. To make matters worse, when it came time for alimony, it was the British flim-flam-filmmaker Ritchie who was awarded the sizable chunk o’ cash. Nevertheless, if Donna Martin and her ungodly rich Bel-Air mama can once again share mamosas poolside at the Four Seasons, then why not Madge and Guy?
ISRAEL and PALESTINE
Waring as states for decades, but tribally for thousands of years, Israelis and their unaffiliated Arab neighbors have been moved by the supernatural phenomenon of the Spelling reconciliation and agreed to finally make peace. As a spokesperson for the Israeli Prime Minister noted in a morning press conference, “Israel is Tori’s left boob; Palestine is her right. Though there be a large rift between the two boobs, they nonetheless are of the same body and must learn to co-exist without needless bloodshed.”
You tell us: Who else might be moved to peaceful conflict resolution by this Spelling Christmas Miracle?
*To briefly recap the Spelling family feud (as best we can follow): the inexplicably famous Tori cheated on Husband #1 with some dude on the set of a Lifetime movie (she later married the dude, the now, current, husband #2). Quite ill at the time, family patriarch, Aaron Spelling, was never told, but mom Candy was highly critical of TorTor, who turned it around on mommy dearest by claiming that supposedly sweet Candy was cheating on sick old dad with a family friend.
So bitter was the blood between the bleached-bossomy-blondes, that Tori refused to show up to dad’s side as he passed away. In a final twist of the inter-family knife, Candy got put in charge of Aaron’s will and doled out 1/5 of one-percent of the estate to Tori, who put on a face so brave it almost made her nose look normal again.
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