What Tiger’s Revised Pre-Nup Might Look Like

Here at Celebuzz, we don’t pay for stories. We don’t bribe police officers or buy expensive dinners for attorneys to garner our exclusive celebrity content. No, we just make things up.

Below you will find EXCLUSIVE! excerpts from what we imagine the much-publicized new revised prenuptual agreement between Tiger Woods and his wife, Elin Nordegren, might actually look like.

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First, there’s probably and obvious revision of basic financial terms:

(rev.) paragraph 1.4.5(a).  In the event of legal separation and divorce, within thirty (30) business days of event, Mr. Woods shall pay to Ms. Nordegren an amount equal to twenty million dollars ($ 20,000,000) one-hundred million dollars ($100,000,000)

No real surprise here.  We all know that Tiger’s affairs were going to cost him a big bump in any divorce settlement. 

Then we’re guessing things will start to get a big more… specific:

(insert) paragraph 3.6.2.   Mr. Woods shall provide Ms. Nordegren with no less than three (3) titanium-manufactured golf clubs.  In the event that Mr. Woods is certified to have had inappropriate relations with any woman other than Ms. Nordegren, Ms. Nordegren shall be allowed to employ these clubs to strike Mr. Woods across either the head, the neck, the scapula, or the patella (“pre-approved striking zones”). 

(insert) paragraph 3.6.2(a).  In the event “other woman” has appeared on, or ever appears on a reality television program, or, “other woman” has ever been a VIP club hostess or any other form of legal or illegal prostitution, pre-approved striking zones shall also contain the area of the body commonly referred to as the “goatsack”, “family jewels”, or “ball shed”.

Ouch.  A four-iron to the dangleberries for a dalliance with the very type of woman that Tiger seems to favor?  Hard to believe his imaginary attorneys would allow this provision into the new pre-nup.

Finally, we felt like the document would really end with a bang, as Elin would take this document as an opportunity to go for the jugular be getting super specific and personal on poor Tiger:

(insert) paragraph 12.4Wardrobe.   For the duration of the marriage, Mr. Woods shall not be allowed to wear sweater vests in the home, at any public events not taking place in the immediate area of a golf-course, or in any family photos or personal functions.  Similarly, Mr. Woods will repeat, in at least three instances before press and media, that “sweater vests look stupid on men, are incredibly 80’s, and make me look like my mommy’s dressing me for kindergarten.”

One thing that’s actually true: Hell hath no fury like a woman humiliated by her husband in front of the whole world.