So What Was John Stamos Doing In Those Extortion Photos?

John Stamos is still alive. That’s the good news. The bad news: a couple of knuckleheads tried to extort seven-hundred-G’s from the former Full House TV star, threatening to reveal….party photos!

Just to be clear, when you’re famous and somebody’s asking you for a suitcase full o’ cash to keep party photos from the press, we’re not talking birthday party photos. These aren’t Polaroids of Stamos with chocolate cake around his mouth, trying to pin the tail on a wall-mounted donkey. 

So, what exactly might be in the Stamos extortion photos?  I have used the power of the scientific method to deduce five potential possibilities for the content of those potential reputation-damaging pics:

1.  Grooming his privates — longtime fans of Stamos know full well about his commitment to a natural, Mediterranean male body.  Would shots of Stamos shearing his nether-regions damage his rep?  Magic 8-Ball and I both say, “It Is Decidedly So”.

2.  Forging messages on his own fan sites — haven’t you always wondered if celebs disguise their names and then write great things about themselves on their own fan pages?  These photos could’ve blown the socks off the Stamos-fansite-manipulation scandal.

3.  Applying a follicle enhancer – the Stamos mane has achieved near religious icon status among the Stamos faithful.  Were it revealed that he was somehow artificially rejiggering his God-given locks, just imagine the blockback.

4.  Illicit Alpacan relations – remember, these photos were taken in 2004, the height of the Alpaca craze.  We all have our thing, for many, this is something warm and fuzzy.

5.  Violating his court-imposed ban on singing — many will recall that as part of a legal settlement involving numerous injured parties, Stamos was forbidden to sing in public. 

 

Tell us what you think is in the photos these two Einsteinian extortionists thought would net them $680,000.

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