No, Gosselin Kids, There Isn’t a Santa Claus

Welcome to the first installment of a new Celebuzz feature called “Letters From Tim,” in which our editor Tim Kenneally writes open, heartfelt letters to his favorite celebrities.

Dear Tim,

We are five years old. Our older sisters, Mady and Cara, say that there is no Santa Claus. Stephanie, the nice lady who used to be our nanny,  always said, “If you hear it from Tim, it is so.” Please tell us the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

Alexis, Hannah, Aeden, Collin, Leah and Joel Gosselin
Berks County, Pennsylvania

Dear Alexis, Hannah, Aeden, Collin, Leah and Joel,

Mady and Cara are right. There is no Santa Claus, at least not for you. You have been affected—ravaged, really—by the cynicism of a cynical age. For other children, Santa exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, but then most other children haven’t had their childhoods irreparably warped by their parents’ insatiable quest for publicity at any cost. Or their fathers’ all-encompassing urge to bed every bimbo who can tolerate the sight of his pot belly and greasy leer.

So, yes, you can count Santa Claus—along with an intact family and any semblance of normalcy—among the things that no longer exist in your young but thoroughly tarnished lives.

Alas! How dreary the world will be for you without a Santa Claus. Where once there was joy, anticipation and the hope of a brand-new tricycle from that Jolly Old Elf under the tree on Christmas morn, now there is only a succession of increasingly sketchy “aunts” on the Ed Hardy-clad arm of your terminally adolescent father.

Despair not, though; for even without the presence of Santa Claus in your lives, exciting times lay ahead for you. Just look toward the examples of others whose youths have been utterly perverted by the spotlight and shaky parenting. Lindsay Lohan. Mackenzie Phillips. Gary Coleman. Danny Bonaduce. Michael Jackson. Macaulay Culkin. Rest assured, your lives will be eventful. And is that not gift enough?

Merry Christmas, kids.

Yours, Tim

PS: Tell your mom to call me.

Got a question that Tim can help you with? Make sure to drop it in his profile.