Chris Brown Wants to Violently Assault the Entire Music Industry

By: Alex Blagg / December 11, 2009

It’s nice to know that Chris Brown has used the past year’s events as an opportunity to stand back, gain a bit of perspective, mellow out a bit, and develop a more balanced approach to dealing with the world around him. Oh, wait; that’s not what he’s doing? Uh-oh!

The “I Can Transform Ya” singer and notable assailant took to his Twitter account today to offer a bizarre, profanity-drenched conspiracy theory regarding his new album Graffiti, which hit store shelves on December 8—or at least it would have, if the federal government, in conjunction with the Rand Corporation and the reverse vampires, hadn’t conspired to keep his latest masterpiece from a clamoring public.

How’s that, you say? Let’s allow Chris to explain it in his own words:

“im tired of this sh*t. major stores r blackballing my cd. not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers. what the f*ck do i gotta do.. WTF… yeah i said it and i aint retracting sh*it. im not biting my tongue about sh*t else… the industry can kiss my ass.”

That’s an intriguing (read: delusional) notion, Chris, but perhaps there’s a simpler explanation for why there might not be much demand for your latest release. It’ll come to come to you, if you just think hard enough.

You know what helps us think sometimes? Whacking our foreheads with our palms while muttering, “Come on, think!”

Still not coming to you? Try kicking it up a notch and giving yourself a few good punches square in the face. And then biting yourself on the arm. Until you black out. And have to be hospitalized.

Ringing any bells yet?