Michael Lohan Is an Alleged Crotch-Kicker and Other Fun Facts

Attention Michael Lohan: The phrase “hitting on the ladies” doesn’t mean what you think it does.

TMZ reports that Lindsay Lohan’s jailbird dad has a history of violence where the women are concerned—or at least, that’s what his ex, Erin Muller, claims.

In court papers filed by Muller in Nassau County, New York, on Monday, she outlines a timeline of alleged physical abuse doled out by Papa Lo, including a supposed May 2008 incident during which Lohan allegedly “kicked Erin Muller in the vagina, bruising it and causing substantial pain.”

Among Muller’s other claims:

Dec. 9, 2007: Michael Lohan “slapped Erin in the face twice because Erin accused him of giving her a fake watch on her birthday.”

February 2008: Michael “punched Erin in the mouth” because she had a male friend on Facebook.

June 2008: Michael “spit in Erin’s face, and beat her repeatedly with his fist.” Then he “yelled at her to ‘stop crying c*nt—other people will see you—if they see you, I will kill you!'”

Wow; Michael Lohan has accomplished the seemingly impossible and made Chris Brown look like a saint in comparison. Is there anything this guy can’t do? Besides control his temper?