Simon Cowell Is Leaving American Idol, Producers Rush to Fill Gaping “Jerk Void”

Sad news, people; you won’t have Simon Cowell to hurl curses at anymore. At least not while watching American Idol.

The notoriously acid-tongued AI judge announced today that he will be vacating his post on the popular singing competition at the end of this season. But don’t worry; he’ll be back to belittle a whole new batch of show-biz hopefuls in fall 2011, on the American version of his hit British talent show The X Factor.

During a press conference in Pasadena, California, on Monday, Cowell said of the new venture,

“I’m doing X Factor in America because I believe I can find someone incredibly talented through this process. This country, thank God, has got thousands and thousands of people still waiting to be discovered. I want to find a star at the end, I genuinely do.”

Sure, but not before crushing a couple of dozen dreams with his scathing criticism in the process, we imagine. Or at least hope.

In the meantime, Fox executives are reportedly in talks with a team of the world’s leading scientists to see if Josef Stalin can be cloned as a possible replacement.