Tiger Woods’ Sex Addiction Clinic Is Like Christmas For Leno’s Comedy Writers
Late night talk show drama aside, it’s time to rejoice in the juicy golden nugget of purely salacious humor served up by legendary put-ball-in-hole man, Tiger Woods.
According to New York Times writer and sexual-addiction-expert (and recovered former sex addict), Benoit Denizet-Lewis, Tiger Woods is currently in voluntary lock down at the super swank, “Gentle Path” sexual addiction clinic, in Hattiesburg, Mississipi.
And…Bingo! It’s like Christmas for hacky (Leno’s) monologue writers. Let’s look at the various components to Woods’ treatment-for-excessive-lust and see if we can forecast how it might unfold on late night TV.
1. The “Celibacy Contract”
FACT: While staying at Gentle Path, Tiger will be forced to sign and adhere to a “Celibacy Contract” that stipulates no sex of any kind, including masturbation.
Tiger Woods has been asked to abstain from all sexual activity while in therapy. To which Tiger responded that it would be no problem at all, provided therapy could be completed in less than an hour.
When told that he would be forced to abstain entirely from masturbation, Tiger laughed like a man with fifteen current girlfriends.
In order to save his marriage, Tiger Woods has checked himself into a clinic where he will not be allowed to have any sex. The name of the clinic: marriage.
2. The “Empathy Letters”
FACT: Tiger will be writing “empathy letters” to those who he hurt with his sexual practices, most notably, his wife Elin.
Tiger Woods just delivered his first empathy letter to his wife, Elin, expressing regrets for his recent actions. Elin was initially pleased to receive the letter, until she saw that it was written on the back of the couple’s Pre-Nup.
Tiger wrote an apology letter to his wife for sleeping with fifteen other women during their marriage. He also apologized for pretending to be bowling and taking so many late-night “wrong number” calls.
Counselors told Tiger that he would need to write down in a notebook each and every sexual encounter that took place outside of his marriage and then asked the golfer if he had any questions. To which Tiger responded, “Just one. Can I have more notebooks?”
3. Life at Gentle Path
FACT: Tiger will be forced to do basic household chores, like cleaning his room and doing his laundry, while staying at Gentle Path
When told that he would be forced to do his own laundry during sex rehab, Tiger responded that he didn’t mind at all, and, in fact, would ensure that his wife wouldn’t find his cell phone in his pants pocket again.
Tiger said he didn’t mind changing his own sheets, especially since he’d signed the Celibacy Contract, he wouldn’t need to that often.
When told he would be responsible for cleaning up his own space, Tiger asked counselors if they could help him find another cover story for the hot maid he’d hired to visit his room each morning.
4. The Arts Therapy program
FACT: As part of his treatment for sexual addiction, Tiger will be asked to express himself through the creation of artwork.
Tiger’s first day in Art Therapy was apparently pretty rocky. His first painting was a watercolor of his junk which he handed to an attractive female attendant and told her to call him.
Tiger has chosen sewing as his primary medium of work in Art Therapy. For his first piece, Tiger sewed together his bedsheets and escaped the clinic out his window and drove to a strip club.
Tiger’s counselors thought he had been doing some amazing work with his clay sculpting, until they realized the female statue in his room was actually Rachel Uchitel standing completely still during room inspections.