3 Reasons Brangelina Should and Shouldn’t Stay Together

[Ed. Note: This is the inaugural post from Jessica Rowe, the winner of our Post-Grad Guest Blogger contest. Jessica is really charming and funny (in fact, we’re kind of worried that she’s better at this than we are), so please, welcome her!]

It happens in every relationship: the excitement of new love has worn off, she no longer bothers to wear her “Breathe-Right” strip at night, he brazenly passes gas at the dinner table, third world countries place embargoes on the number of children you may adopt. You know, the usual things.

And if the rumors circulating about the most recent break up of Brangelina are to be believed, they too have reached this crossroads in their fairytale romance, much to the excitement of both the press and Jennifer Aniston’s therapist.

In order to help Brad and Angie make this difficult decision, we have compiled the following list of reasons they should, or perhaps shouldn’t, stay together:

Reasons Brangelina Should Stay Together

1.  Brad has hidden the keys to Angelina’s car in his goatee/brillo pad/chinchilla facemask, so Angie physically can’t leave.

2.  George Clooney will be forced to double date with Matt Damon instead.

3.  In the absence of Brangelina, the ultimate super-couple role will have to be filled by TomKat. No one wants that (especially not the Sofa-Cushion Union of America).

Reasons Brangelina Should Break Up

1.  Jennifer Aniston has finally earned enough good karma, in addition to completing her twelve step recovery program entitled: “My Life is Awesome, Brad has a dumb beard.”

2.  In the event that they break up, they can adopt twice as many children as they currently have, since they will be filing adoption papers separately.

3.  As humanitarians, they must realize the impact of all this press coverage is having on the rain forests. It takes a lot of thin, glossy paper to print this kind of hard-hitting intellectual investigative journalism. By breaking up, they would be helping to end the print of ridiculous articles about their bedroom spats, as well as helping to restore the natural habitat of the Queen Alexandra’s Birdwing Butterfly.