[Ed. Note: Welcome to the third post by Jessica Rowe, the winner of our Post-Grad Guest Blogger contest. In this installment, Rowe comes up with a few ideas on how to make James Cameron even filthier-rich. Or is that filthy-richer? Whatever; the point is, the guy has a ton of cash, and Jessica is going to help him make even more. Read on.]
Avatar has officially eclipsed Titanic as the highest grossing film of all time, unless of course you account for inflation. And by inflation I mean the cost of IMAX 3-D tickets these days, which require selling your first-born child into slavery. When ticket prices are factored in, Avatar remains far behind epics like Gone With the Wind and Star Wars (which has equal, if not more, cinematic epicness than Gone With the Wind…trust me).
With Avatar being the cash cow it is, the attention has now naturally shifted to the question of a sequel. Audiences were deprived of a sequel to Avatar director James Cameron’s last film, Titanic, as he made the “artistic decision” to kill off Leonardo DiCaprio by sinking the ship. Cameron did briefly flirt with the idea of Titanic: Two the Surface, which featured Jack being unfrozen caveman-style (see trailer here), but ultimately decided against it.
There have been some complaints about the plot of Avatar being eerily similar to Disney’s Pocahontas (Jake Sully=John Smith, but blue). There have also been complaints of thinly veiled racism, and questions of how the Na’vi do “sexy time” (this is obviously the most important concern raised). In order to help Cameron out in this early stage of development for the sequel, I have selected a few films at random (read: they were on my DVD tower) whose plots he can make more visually dynamic by replacing the human actors with blue tribal people:
- Twilight*. In a freak accident, Jake is bitten by a vampire and now has to spend all his time brooding in trees and resisting Neytiri’s seductive lip-biting.
- Fight Club. The first rule of fight club is: no tail slashing. And leave your bows at home please.
- Dreamgirls. Neytiri decides to finally pursue her life-long dream of forming an all-girl doo-wap group. Things are going smoothly until her sketchy manger/agent/boyfriend, Jake Sully, impregnates her, and then leaves her for Beyonce. “And I am telliinnnnggggg yooooouuuuu…”
*This film is not, in fact, on my DVD tower. I keep it hidden in my sock drawer in shame.