The 2010 Grammys: Our Totally Real and Absolutely Surefire Predictions

[Ed. Note: In her latest Celebuzz blog post, Jessica Rowe, the winner of our Post-Grad Guest Blogger contest, fires up the crystal ball to reveal what will really happen at this Sunday’s Grammy Awards. Warning: The following information is not to be used for gambling purposes.]

With the Grammys coming up this Sunday, Tinsel Town is abuzz with questions: In the event that Taylor Swift wins over Beyonce, will security be lining the stage? In order to top her VMA performance, is Lady GaGa going to have to resort to spontaneous combustion? Who invited T-Pain?

The Grammys are well known for their inspired performances, rich history, celebration of the various traditions of music, and providing the opportunity for J.Lo to tape her dress to her boobies. What will happen this year? Fortunately for me, I can predict the future. And I felt compelled to share with all of you.

Performances: We’re expecting performances from Pink, Green Day, Celine Dion, Jennifer Hudson, Smokey Robinson, Lady GaGa, Carrie Underwood, and The Black Eyed Peas (aka, Fergie,, and those other two dudes), among others.

Prediction: In a screw-up of epic proportions, the newly hired Grammy intern accidentally switches up the wardrobes of Celine and GaGa. Dion is forced to perform dressed like something resembling the Cookie Monster if he were to give up cookies and take up cocaine, while GaGa wears a white tuxedo, backwards, with no pants. No one is able to tell the difference.

Presenters: Stephen Colbert, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, Robert Downey Jr. and Ryan Seacrest (with his tips freshly frosted) have all been tapped to present awards.

Prediction: Bieber (using a stool to account for the height difference) will be caught macking with Miley backstage right before she presents. Joe Jonas immediately tweets about it, and Miley’s Twitter-hating boyfriend, Liam What’s-his-Face, sees it via his secret account that he uses to stalk her. He dumps Miley via text. Nick Jonas, engulfed by a jealous rage at seeing Miley dry-hump the Biebs, and finally realizing that he’s madly in love with Miley, challenges Justin to a duel that causes the destruction of the entire adorable Disney teen pop genre and breaks Justin’s other foot. “Niley” fans worldwide go on the victory warpath. Oh, and this will all happen in a thirty-second time frame.

The Big Award: Album of the Year. It’s all about the ladies this year, as Beyonce, Lady GaGa, and Taylor Swift battle it out for the prize. Oh, The Black Eye Peas and The Dave Matthews Band are also nominated…but come on.

Prediction: The nominees are announced, the camera’s perfectly angled to catch the reaction shots, the envelope is torn open… “And the Album of the Year award goes to…Rick Astley!” Every screen in the theater begins to play “Never Gonna Give You Up.” That’s right, the Grammys just got RICK-ROLLED.