Madonna Dumps Boy Toy Jesus Luz, On the Prowl for Even Younger Man

Uber-cougar, Madonna (51) has announced she’s splitting up with Brazilian male model, Jesus Luz (23), citing “age differences” as a primary factor. While it’s hard to believe that an twenty-eight year age difference is not enough for the Material Girl, it seem quite obvious that Madonna is now on the hunt for an even younger man.

While there’s no way to know for sure who this sly man hunter has in her sights, we have assembled a list of possible new, even younger boyfriends, for this ambitious, half-century-old blonde.

1.  Taylor Lautner

Turning 18 in just a week’s time, Madonna certainly must be considering making a run at the ab-tastic junior actor.  Taylor Lautner meets Madonna’s qualifications in that he’s young, he has a nice smile, and he doesn’t talk too much.


2.  Justin Bieber

He’s cute, he’s cuddly, and he could really use a dance instructor.  You know, perhaps an older lady to show him all the right moves, on stage, of course.  Bieber could be Madonna’s greatest achievement yet, turning the shy, awkward, fifteen-year old into a grown man ready to dominate the world stage.

Madonna, Bieber

3.  Kingston Rossdale

Let’s face it, Bieber’s getting kind of old for Madonna.  He might have to start shaving soon.  What Madonna needs is a boyfriend from a musical family whose influences have yet to be set.  Somebody she can train, both vocally, and to clean and repair her Pilates equipment.  Kingston Rossdale fits the bill.


4.  Padma’s Baby

No point in wasting time with a boyfriend who may already have developed bad habits, we would expect Madonna to make a play for an as-yet-to-be-born handsome young man, with joint citizenship in the U.K., so he can be stowed away in her castle keep, at least until such time as he’s able to crawl away.