What A Lindsay Lohan-Based Religion Might Look Like

Based on the image from her latest magazine cover, Lindsay Lohan is clearly experiencing a religious epiphany. While her Christ-like iconography perhaps suggests a return to her Roman Catholic childhood roots, we can’t help but wonder what a religion founded on the principles espoused by LiLo might encompass.

Like any religion, Lohanity would obviously be based upon tenets of the faith, certain practices that worshippers would be expected to uphold to conduct themselves in the manner of their spiritual leader.

Specifically, we can foresee five basic tenets of Lohanity:

1.  The Taking of the Wine


Rather than just occurring at weekly worship, the taking of the wine for Lohanians would be pretty much a constant endeavor.  As LiLo quoteth:

Take unto yourself the wine.  Or, you know, other drinks, maybe a cocktail or Appletini.  And drink generously.  Whenever.   Cause it’s really good.

2.  The Refraining of the Sleep


One of the more critical tenets of Lohanity, back-to-back-to-back-back party nights.  Many newbies to the ways of LiLo may find this practice difficult to observe.

Sleep not whilst bars remain open.  Powdery aids may assist you.  You can sleep when you’re dead.

3.  The Changing of the Look

Lindsay hair

In order to apply oneself faithfully to Lohanity, it’s an absolute must to completely change over hair and look once a week, at a minimum.  Hair products are for sale in the Lohanity Center lobby.

The change from within is not nearly as important as the change on the outside.

4.  The Rotating of the Men, err, Women.

Lindsay couples

Key to following in the gentle footsteps of LiLo is making sure that no one soul mate last for longer than say, four to six weeks.  Love, loss, and love again, all in a twenty-four hour period, if possible.

Date the man.  Date the woman.  Date the squirrel in the tree.  J/k, just men and women.

5.  The Covering of the Body

lindsay shopping

Modesty is the fifth and final key element to Lohanity.  For instance, when shopping for eyeglasses, a loose hanging beach dress often can easily replace the standard woven top or the immodesty of undergarments such as brassieres. 

Present yourself for shopping in the juniors department, no matter your age.  There you shall find the clothing that sort of almost but not quite fits your grown size.