Humpday Roundup: Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato — Are They or Aren’t They?

/ February 17, 2010

For many, Humpday signifies the middle of the workweek, when we’re exactly halfway between the memories (and mistakes) we made last weekend and the ones we’ll make next. But here at Celebuzz, Humpday means that Colin Goldman, our resident Celebrity Hookup Enthusiast (who actually knows next to nothing about legit celebrity love news) sets his mind to wondering — Are They or Aren’t They?

Today’s edition of Humpday Roundup salutes BLIND LOVE, and the unsolvable mysteries of why we love, who we love, no matter what others tell us is right or wrong.

 

Dane Jessica

She, the napalm-in-the-sack, meat-eating, Billy-Corgan-dating, older sister of Ashley Simpson.  He, the observational comic who half of America finds outrageously funny while the other half wants him to fall into a deep crevasse that leads to the center of the earth where he’s burned alive in a hellish fire of molten granite.  These two used to be like Snickers and Mayonnaise.  Then they broke up.  Because Snickers and Mayonnaise is nasty.  But, now, she’s watching his sets and laughing so hard at his jokes, the corn cobs she swallowed whole on a high school dare are making final passage through her digestive track like some type of rapid fire vegetable-matter machine gun. 

Verdict:  Despite John Mayer’s assessment of Jessica, she’s still more lady than tramp.  These two are just old friends.

Demi_Joe

Is there anything truer than young love, most especially Disney Studios contrived young love?  I must admit, I’m still convinced that Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez are one in the same person.  And since Selena has appeared in another Humpday Roundup snogging up with Nick Jonas, this whole Demi and Joe Jonas thing is starting to get kind of weird.  Is Demi/Selena the same person who takes on an alter ego to achieve the ultimate in ultimate dating dreams — two Jonas Brothers at the same time?  Back on point, are these two Camp Rockers also boot knockers?  Has Joe ditched the purity ring for Sonny-with-a-chance fling?

Verdict:  Not even close.

Charlie Whiskey

Today’s Humpday Roundup is an ode to Blind Love, and what does Charlie Sheen love more than getting his drink on?  I’ll grant you, maybe his kids, and baseball.  While wife Brooke Mueller continues rehab for an inexplicably urbane crack habit, Charlie seems to be continuing his love affair with the 1/5 liter bottle that haunts his every waking moment, you know, besides those moments where he’s digging through the cutlery drawer selecting his domestic disturbance playthings.  I know, it’s complicated.

Verdict:  Think of the nasty word for “humping” and this is what Whiskey Bottle is most definitely doing to Charlie.

Zac Vanessa

I was wrong and I’m not afraid to admit it.  As I’ve seen the couple-rumors of these two East Side High alums over the years, I’ve always believed them to be drummed up by the Disney PR machine to convince us that this onscreen couple was also swapping spit in secret hideaways, for realz.  And, I doubted.  Incorrectly.  Now, I know the truth.  Troy Bolton and Gabriella Montez are getting it on, here, there, everywhere.  These two randy rascals are afternoon delighting from morning to night, coming-up-for-air only to catch Jersey Shore, on first airing, cause tape is not the same.  Dearest Zak, dearest Vanessa, can you ever forgive my misjudgement of your humpitude?

Verdict: Get’cha head in the game!  Most definitely tripping the light fantastic.