What Tiger Woods Should Say At His Press Conference If He Really Wants To Be a Champion

Tiger Woods is scheduled to speak from the clubhouse at the headquarters of the PGA Tour in Florida, this Friday at 11:00 am, in a national press conference that is just a huge deal.  He’s not going to take any questions or talk to any details. He’s not going to face real reporters. He’s going to issue some woeful apology sprinkled in with lots of “looking to the future” type comments — and nobody’s going to buy it, not for one second.

It’s going to be lame and weak and one massive plop of nothing. If Tiger really wants to make a comeback in the eyes of his family, his fans, and his sponsors, he needs to take our advice on what to say, which we’ve generously outlined for him in ready-to-go format:

Dear friends, family, Rachel, Jaime, Kalika, Jamie with an “ie”, Mindy, Cori, Holly, Joslyn, Loredana, Julie, Theresa, Jessica, several as yet unnamed “special friends”, the niece of the lady who does my dry cleaning, the night manager at the Orlando area Subway sandwiches, the lady who came to fix my air conditioning unit at rehab, and anybody else, if I missed your name, I’m sorry,  I mean, I’m sorry I forgot all of your names, not sorry for what I did.

You see, everybody is expecting me to apologize to the entire world for some horrible crime that I committed.  But I didn’t do anything horrible.  While not confirming every detail out in the media, my involvement with what is allegedly three or four or ten or maybe thirty women is something special and magical and really, a gift to the world, very much like my own golf game.  When I putt a little white ball into the cup, millions of people thrill and cheer along with me.  Very much the same when I score with the ladies.  This is not for me, this is for everybody.  An accomplishment for all.  Something that people, in these hard economic times can find hope and joy in, me, successfully landing lots and lots of women.  I don’t do it for me, I do it for all of you. 

I understand that my wife is angry, and, for $100 million or so, we’ll work that out.  But please, let’s not turn something beautiful into something ugly.  Join me now in agreeing that I ought to be out there right now, creating more art, producing more happiness, and giving more hope to America.

Bless me and God bless skeezy nightclub trolls.

Keep it real, T.