Tiger Woods Says He’s Really, Really, Really Sorry Before Slinking Back to Sex Rehab

Nearly three months after an early-morning car crash exposed him as an apparent serial philanderer, Tiger Woods took to the airwaves on Friday to tell the world that he’s wicked remorseful for letting everybody down.

Standing in front of an audience that noticeably did not include his cheated-upon wife, Elin Nordegren, the golf great let fly with the mea culpas at the TPC Sawgrass golf course in Ponte Vedra, Florida, declaring,

“I want to say to each of you simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible, selfish behavior… I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children.”

Woods, 34, went on to note,

“Elin and I have started the procress of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. My real apology … will come from my behavior. We have a lot to discuss. What we say to each other will remain between the two of us.”

The troubled linksman also adamantly denied rumors that Nordegren had physically attacked him during the Thanskgiving-weekend incident at the couple’s Florida home, asserting,

“Elin has never hit me that night or any night. Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame. The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful, I had affairs, I cheated.”

Whew; so it’s all over now? We can all move past the news, shocking as it may be, that a star athlete was unfaithful to his wife?

Um, not quite. Woods also announced that he’s heading back into sex rehab so that he can fully wean himself from the urge to have sex with women other than his spouse. (Woods had been receiving treatment, reportedly at the Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, prior to today’s press conference.) So, yes, we can look forward to more speculation about Tiger’s progress. And blurry, long-distance photos of the recovering horndog wandering the grounds of the facility. And, yes, more cheap shots at Tiger’s expense from the yuk-meisters of late-night TV.

Um, yay?

Let us know in the comments section: Should everyone just leave Tiger alone, now that he’s made his big apology for his indiscretions?