5 More Things That Lindsay Lohan Should Definitely Sue

Everyone is going crazy about Lindsay Lohan’s plans to sue E-Trade for their commercials depicting a talking “milk-aholic” baby, which Lindsay claims was clearly meant to represent her. We think the only “crazy” thing about Lindsay’s lawsuit is that she’s playing it so low-key by only going after $100 million, when she should actually be aiming her lawyers at taking down the vast conspiracy of powerful forces hell-bent on destroying her (the E-Trade people are just the tip of the iceberg).

Here are 5 more entities that definitely deserve to feel the full wrath of Lindsay Lohan’s Crack Legal Team:

1. Those “Got Milk?” Ads — Everyone knows that these ads were really saying, “Got alcohol? Then give it to Lindsay Lohan, because she is an alcoholic and we are going to profit from this and not give her any of the money — MWUAHAHAHAHA!”

2. The Super Bowl – If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, it doesn’t make a sound. And similarly, if E-Trade makes a commercial about milk-loving talking babies, one of which happens to be named Lindsay, and the Super Bowl isn’t there to air it to millions of people, Lindsay Lohan would still be rich and famous and everyone would like her. Also, they didn’t even, like, invite her

3. Wall Street – Lindsay doesn’t really know what E-Trade does, but it seems to have something to do with stock-swapping, so basically she should sue the entire global financial industry for that whole $700 billion bailout thing they got (which was really about her — “bailout”, “problems”, duh) and a starring role in Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps (guess who else never sleeps? — So obvious what this is really about!)

4. The Whole Internet
– Everyone knows the Internet is basically just a big catalog of information about Lindsay Lohan, and it’s been getting away with this scam for years. It’s finally time she put her foot down before The Internet comes up with an entirely new service dedicated solely to talking about (and profiting from) Lindsay Lohan like it did with Twitter and Facebook (more like “LindsayLohanBook”!)

5. Herself – Her ridiculous lawsuit is generating so much free publicity for these E-Trade people, that she should sue herself for a million-bajillion dollars. Sure, she’ll be broke after she has to pay the settlement, but she’ll be giving the money right back to herself, so, YAY!