Tiger Woods Is the Hannibal Lecter of Sexting

Apparently, little white golf balls aren’t the only thing that Tiger Woods likes to whack around. Woods’ alleged former mistress, porn star Joslyn James, took it upon herself today to release a slew of lurid text messages supposedly sent to her by the golf great, and we must warn you: They’re incredibly sexy. If you’re the kind of person who tends to get aroused while engaged in hand-to-hand combat.

Biting? Slapping? Choking? Pour yourself a glass of wine, crank up the Barry White and dig into some selections from Tiger Woods’ Big Book of Sexting:

Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little wh*re. Put my **** in your *** and then shove it down your throat

Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my ******* wh*re

Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and **** that *** that i own

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the **** up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise

Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten

Tiger:Sent: 5:00 PM 08/29/2009:
I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around

Tiger:Sent: 05:12 PM 08/29/2009:
For years. And punish you for not seeing me more

Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009:
I want you to beg for my ****. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth

Tiger:Sent: 05:18 PM 08/29/2009:
We will see how bad you want me

Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and **** you till mercy

Whew; is it getting warm in here, or is the cold chill of terror that’s creeping up our spine just making everything else warm in comparison?

But as entertaining as Tiger’s supposed texts are, you know what’s even more entertaining? Playing Mad Libs with them: “Next time i (verb)(noun), you better (verb) and if you don’t do it right i will (verb), (verb), (verb) and (verb) you till (noun).”

Try it out and share the results in the comments section!