The Next ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ Movie Will Apparently Be Cast by Howard Stern

Attention, ladies; if you’re looking for a part in the fourth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean movie series, your pirate’s chest better be real. And you’d better be able to prove it. According to a casting call sent out by Disney for the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, women with augmented breasts are being banned for consideration. The announcement states that producers are seeking:

“[B]eautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.”

Oh, and just to be sure, applicants will be made to undergo a battery of tests to prove their breasts’ authenticity, including jogging in front of talent scouts. If a suspect lack of jiggling ensues, sources say, the aspiring actress will be told to seek her fame elsewhere.

What is this, a Disney production or a lost episode of The Man Show? Why stop at jogging, when there are pogo stick and trampoline tests to conduct?

So why the exclusion of enhanced figures? According to a source,

“In the last movie, there were enhanced breasts to give that 18th-century whorish look, and men were pretty well padded too, and no one worried. But times are changing, and the audience can spot false breasts.”

Totally. Because if it’s one thing that moviegoers expect when they go to see a Pirates of the Caribbean movie, it’s complete historical accuracy. On the bright side, at least this new policy ensures that Heidi Montag has absolutely zero chance of getting cast in and ruining Pirates 4.

Tags: Pirates