Heidi Montag's Plastic Surgery No Longer Allows Her to Love, or Jog

Heidi Montag's Plastic Surgery No Longer Allows Her to Love, or Jog-photo

Poor Heidi Montag; how could she have known that, when her plastic surgeon sliced her open and put her back together in a completely unrecognizable fashion, he was actually constructing an existential cage that the Hills blonde will forever be trapped in?

Montag recently managed to crack open her new face far enough to detail the horrors that her radical reconstruction has spawned, making her a virtual prisoner in her own skin. For instance, Heidi can no longer jog, lest she knock herself out with one of her breasts, which now measure "E or F," depending on the bra.

Guess she'll have to stick to yoga from here on out . Or perhaps power-smirking; we hear that burns a lot of calories, and seems to be something she excels at.

But worst of all, Montag's new form is preventing her from embracing her fellow human beings, which we assume has been one of her favorite activities up until now: 

"I'm very weird about hugging people now—[my body] is very fragile."

Tragic, really. On the plus side, if she can't manage to hug her husband, Spencer Pratt, most other forms of intimacy are probably out of the question as well. Which virtually assures that the two of them will never spawn.

Maybe we've had the wrong idea about Montag's plastic surgeon all along. Somebody should give this guy a medal...

 

Discuss

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  • Zebra
    Zebra

    As a Mum of a 29year old beautiful daughter,who left university to nurse her fiance through leukaemia and lost him, & returned to university completed her honours degree in Chemistry,worked in London for haymarket and now Dubai is making a success of her life; is adored by her friends & family,& who is determined to live the life her James was so cruelly robbed.She is a vibrant, intelligent amusing and loving girl. What a shame that poor Heidi,has allowed herself to be seduced by fame and need to be accepted and liked by abusing her beautiful face and body. Essentially she had a lot more going for her than my daughter,but she has lost that vunerability and albeit depicting her challenged intellect,to look like Joan Rivers-and she , bless her , is in her 70's Oh Dear God, what have you done to yourself.The only thing I can say is now at least she matches the superficial, plastic hyena She married. Her poor parents. I feel for you sweetie, even though its hard to understand what exactly you are trying to communicate. But I would say, Heidi doesn't deserve your sympathy because she won't appreciate it. She's not "seduced" by fame. She is the embodiment of everything we don't appreciate about Hollywood.

  • phillippa13
    phillippa13

    As a Mum of a 29year old beautiful daughter,who left university to nurse her fiance through leukaemia and lost him, & returned to university completed her honours degree in Chemistry,worked in London for haymarket and now Dubai is making a success of her life; is adored by her friends & family,& who is determined to live the life her James was so cruelly robbed.She is a vibrant, intelligent amusing and loving girl. What a shame that poor Heidi,has allowed herself to be seduced by fame and need to be accepted and liked by abusing her beautiful face and body. Essentially she had a lot more going for her than my daughter,but she has lost that vunerability and albeit depicting her challenged intellect,to look like Joan Rivers-and she , bless her , is in her 70's Oh Dear God, what have you done to yourself.The only thing I can say is now at least she matches the superficial, plastic hyena She married. Her poor parents.

  • xxzulemaxx
    xxzulemaxx

    "On the plus side, if she can't manage to hug her husband, Spencer Pratt, most other forms of intimacy are probably out of the question as well. Which virtually assures that the two of them will never spawn." LOL...and here we were thinking the surgery was a mistake!