Heidi Montag’s Plastic Surgery No Longer Allows Her to Love, or Jog

Poor Heidi Montag; how could she have known that, when her plastic surgeon sliced her open and put her back together in a completely unrecognizable fashion, he was actually constructing an existential cage that the Hills blonde will forever be trapped in?

Montag recently managed to crack open her new face far enough to detail the horrors that her radical reconstruction has spawned, making her a virtual prisoner in her own skin. For instance, Heidi can no longer jog, lest she knock herself out with one of her breasts, which now measure “E or F,” depending on the bra.

Guess she’ll have to stick to yoga from here on out . Or perhaps power-smirking; we hear that burns a lot of calories, and seems to be something she excels at.

But worst of all, Montag’s new form is preventing her from embracing her fellow human beings, which we assume has been one of her favorite activities up until now: 

“I’m very weird about hugging people now—[my body] is very fragile.”

Tragic, really. On the plus side, if she can’t manage to hug her husband, Spencer Pratt, most other forms of intimacy are probably out of the question as well. Which virtually assures that the two of them will never spawn.

Maybe we’ve had the wrong idea about Montag’s plastic surgeon all along. Somebody should give this guy a medal…