MacGruber: The EXCLUSIVE Celebuzz Interview
As everyone already knows, MacGruber is a man of action. But he’s also a man of wisdom, on a wide array of topics. As the former Green Beret/Navy SEAL/Army Ranger prepares to hit the big screen in his eponymous cinematic debut this Friday, May 21, Celebuzz caught up with him for a WORLD EXCLUSIVE interview, in which we discuss rumors about his Justin Bieber beef, the dangers of Clearasil enemas, the joy of Cher’s bikini body, the benefits of frozen condoms, and so much more.
Celebuzz: As an extensively decorated soldier and internationally renowned action hero, you must get recognized pretty much everywhere you go. How do you deal with being such a hot celeb?
MacGruber: Most of the time it’s fine because it turns into sex. Unfortunately, my following is mainly male.
Celebuzz: You have a reputation as a man who is talented in the art of lovemaking. Any advice?
MacGruber: Visualize the end result. Always maintain a positive attitude. Remember, the biggest sex organ on the human body is the brain. And keep your rubs in a freezer—adds at least three pumps to any bone seshion [sic].
Celebuzz: Sandra Bullock just posed on the cover of People magazine along with the new baby that she adopted. Have you thought at all about getting in on this celebrity adoption trend?
MacGruber: I tried to adopt a waitress from the Senor Frogs in Mazatlan a few years back—it was a green card situation—but it didn’t stick. Apparently, they don’t let you adopt chicks that are older than you. So we ended up pulling a switcheroo—she adopted me. And now I have dual citizenship—US and Mazatlan.
Celebuzz: Would you care to comment on the rumors surrounding a long-standing beef between you and Justin Bieber?
MacGruber: That’s media misinformation. My beef is with a guy named Jurgen Biebner. I let him crash in my trailer one night after a Glenn Frey concert and he woke up early the next morning and took off with all of my jeans shorts.
Celebuzz: Which of your many, many celebrity lady-friends has the most smokin’-hot bikini bod?
Celebuzz: How great are those Twilight movies?
MacGruber: I actually work out at the same gym as Taylor Lottner [sic]. I think it’s him in there. Whoever it is is a super-ripped little kid.
Celebuzz: Can you tell us a few of the most painful and personal details pertaining to some awkward or unpleasant aspect of your life?
MacGruber: I had to go to the emergency room once because I put a tube of Clearasil up my butt so I could clear airport security—had a lot of nasty blackheads on my back and shoulders but I already had too many liqids cuz I had a buttload of dark tanning oils in my carry-on.
Celebuzz: Have you ever been involved in any sort of altercation with the Hollywood director ‘McG’ over who has the most legitimate claim to that nickname?
MacGruber: A bunch of times, but we’re actually friends now and we laugh about it. I let him keep MacG and now I just go by Macg with a lower-case “g.”
Celebuzz: Do you have a favorite Kardashian sister?
MacGruber: Having to pick a favorite Kardasheean [sic] would be like trying to choose between Christmas, Flag Day and Hooters Wingsday.
Celebuzz: Can you just give us some more hot exclusive sauce on the latest Grubes goss?
MacGruber: Just working my side-job lately. I have a little company that installs rubber dispensers in bar bathrooms, so I’ve just been going around and making sure everybody is happy with them. They are.
Celebuzz: Seriously, Twilight is so good. Which of its stars do you think is prettiest?
MacGruber: Gotta go with my boy Lottner. But I think I might be buyased [sic] cuz he works out in my gym, I think. I’m pretty sure. Whoever that kid is is RIPPED UP!
For more, check out our Mission: MacGruber page.