Tiger Woods Buys His Wife’s Silence for $750 Million

Apparently, sometimes silence really is golden.

Golf great Tiger Woods, who’s been struggling under the weight of an adultery scandal ever since a mysterious Thanksgiving car crash at his Florida home last year, has reportedly agreed to a $750 divorce settlement with his ex-wife-to-be, Elin Nordegren. As long as Elin agrees not to publicly discuss Woods’ harem of alleged mistresses, such as Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs and Joslyn James.

Says a source,

“Tiger’s main fear is her telling her story after he’s rebuilt his reputation, sending him back to the gutter.”

But according to the settlement, Woods will have to make sacrifices too—aside from, you know, the jaw-dropping financial payout. Elin will reportedly receive sole financial custody of the estranged couple’s children, daughter Sam and son Charlie, and Woods is forbidden from bringing any future girlfriends around the children. If Woods wants his kids to meet a new flame in his life, he’ll have to marry her. (And we’re guessing that Woods won’t be in the marrying mood again for a long, long time.)

Says a friend of Nordegren’s,

“Elin is desperate to protect the children from the womanizing side of their father.”

That should work out just fine. Assuming Elin never brings the tots near a supermarket checkout stand, television or computer with Internet access ever again.

According to sources, Nordegren is expected to file the divorce papers in Orlando County Court within the next seven days.