‘RHONJ’ Ashlee Holmes: “I Was Going Nowhere”
BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING, I WANT TO CLEAR UP ONE THING THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT THING TO ME. On last night’s episode during a scene where I was fighting with my mom, I asked her why she was talking to me like I was a “r****d”. I want to make it CLEAR, that I HONESTLY NEVER say that word. EVER. When I heard it come out of my mouth on the show, I even surprised myself. I swear, my jaw actually dropped when I watched the episode for the first time. You can ask any of my friends, I honestly never say that word. I was disgusted with myself for saying that in that tone, and I don’t even know why it came out.
In NO WAY did I intentionally mean to offend anyone. I know that word can be EXTREMELY hurtful to both someone who has special needs and their loved ones as well. I have worked with special needs adults before, and to be honest, a lot of them are more intelligent than most people I know. They are loving, honest and real. I am so disgusted with myself for saying that word, and there is NO EXCUSE. All I can do is apologize.
Now, originally I was going to recap everything from the past season (mainly the past two episodes), but I’m not going to do that. There isn’t a point explaining the past. The person I was then is not who I am now. A lot of time has gone by, and the people at home don’t see everything. Despite what you all may think, you see a VERY small fraction of what we actually film.
There was a lot going on in my personal life at the time both on AND OFF camera. I was dealing with a break up (even though it was my choice to end it.) It was still hard to deal with. I had started hanging out with a guy who quickly became one of my best friends, but he didn’t want a girlfriend. We acted as if we were a couple though, so our friendship was a little like a roller coaster at that time. That was obviously a little confusing and hard to handle. During my break up with Derek, I really discovered what NYC nightlife was like. So, I started going out ALL THE TIME. I was rarely ever home.
I was dealing with all of my problems with my parents. I didn’t feel like i fit in at all. I didn’t feel fully accepted. I just didn’t want to be home or around anyone. Any time I was around, it would always end negatively. I’m still going through some of those issues with them. We are family though, and I do love them. I’m definitely the black sheep in my family. It can be pretty hard to handle at times. They don’t get me a lot of the tim. On top of all that, I was feeling guilt. I felt bad that I wasn’t there for C.J. and Nick. Here I am with all these other brothers in Texas, and I wasn’t even spending time with the brothers I lived with. I just didn’t want to be home though. I didn’t want a job because I didn’t want to waste time doing something that I didn’t want to do, and I had no idea what I wanted to do. I have so many interests that I couldn’t pick just one thing. I would go out all the time because when I was out with my friends, I could forget about all of my problems. I obviously now know that that isn’t a good way to handle problems. Although I would still enjoy myself when I would be out with my friends, it was making my depression that much worse when I wasn’t out. My anxiety level was through the roof. I was going nowhere with that routine. I still LOVE to go out with my friends, just because that’s the kind of personality I have. I just know now to do everything in MODERATION.
Anyway, looking back on life and this past season and seeing my attitude, I’m not at all proud of how I acted. I hate how I’ve come across on television so far. I am ashamed of myself. SOOOOO MUCH has changed since filming season 3. A lot has been resolved as far as my issues with my mother and my mother’s issues with me. We misunderstood each other. We finally have everything out in the open now and things couldn’t be better between us. (Well, we’re DEFINITELY getting there at least lol) I have the MOST AMAZING parents I could ever ask for. My mom is the strongest woman I know. She has so much strength and courage. I bow down to her for being able to do all that she has done. If I had a kid right now, I don’t even know where I would be. I am just figuring out how to take care of myself, let alone take care of and raise a child. Even on days that my mom and I ‘hate’ each other, I couldn’t ask for a better mom. I wouldn’t trade her for any other mom out there. She is definitely one VERY special woman. We are so much the same person that I think we’ve helped each other grow as women. She is my world. My daddy, I give credit to because he’s taken responsibility for his mistakes, and he’s owned up to all of them. He has definitely made up for the short time that he wasn’t around as much. He has been an amazing father, and I wouldn’t trade him for ANY other dad. He’s funny, smart, artistic, loving, and mine. The lucky thing is that I get the privilege of having TWO AMAZING DADS. My step dad I do not in any way think of as my “step” dad. I honestly feel like I have two biological dads. I know… it sounds weird. Haha! My step dad has known me practically my whole life. He knows me so well. He stepped up and took care of me when I didn’t fully have the support I needed. He didn’t have to do any of that. Yeah, it hurts me that we don’t have the warm bubbly relationship that I would like, but I know now that a HUGE part of that is because of me. I also know that he’s hurting because he doesn’t have that sort of relationship with me anymore either. I know that we will be close like that again eventually. I know I need to prove myself to him. I know that he’s hurt for how I’ve treated him over the years. What makes me respect him so much more is that even when I did act out, and hurt him and my mother, that he STILL took care of me. He STILL would give me AMAZING advice, and always had my best interest at heart. It took me a while to see all of this, but now that I do I KNOW that THAT is real love. Looking back on everything and knowing all that I do now, I truly appreciate everything my parents have done for me. Each one of my parents are so wonderful. I realize now how blessed I am. There are people out there who have lost their parents, and some that never even got to meet theirs. I am sooooo grateful for what I have. [These are just my parents, imagine how I feel about my grandparents, and the INCREDIBLE aunts, and uncles I was blessed with. They have helped me through this whole growing process, and I love them all. I am so thankful that they’re so forgiving and patient with me.
Where am I now? Well, Tomorrow I move to LA. I will be staying with a friend, and then I will be moving into my own apartment on September 3rd. Before you say ANYTHING- NO, MY PARENTS AREN’T PAYING FOR ANY OF THIS. This move is funded by me 100%. I am very proud of myself for finally following through with something that I want to do. I love the apartment that I bought. It may only be 425 square feet, but it’s MY 425 square feet. Haha! It’s small, but just enough for me. I am very excited and equally terrified about this move. There are so many things I didn’t realize went into owning your own place. It’s actually pretty funny. I was laughing about it with my mom. I was like, “I need to buy a can opener? I didn’t realize it was a luxury to have one of those. Oh, a spatula? Batteries? etc…” Such random stuff, but you need it all! Insanity. Anyway, I am hoping I will continue to grow as a person from this move. I recently changed my name legally from ‘Ashley’ to ‘Ashlee’ for reasons that I will later explain. Make fun of me for it if you want. LOL! I’m anxious to get to LA just to finally be there. I have some good friends out there, and it will be a nice change of scenery. I have A LOT of big things planned for myself. I have an internship waiting there for me with Buzznet & Celebuzz. I recently formed my own LLC. I’m currently working on my own clothing line that I hope to launch by 2012. I am working on building my own website, that will also be up and running soon. I am also writing a book. I think the content of the book is going to surprise a lot of people, no one REALLY knows me the way they think they do. There is A LOT more that I’ve wanted to share with you all. I’m going to have to save it for my book. I am very excited to get all of this done and share it with you all. I’m anxious for the experience of it all. I am young, my company is just a baby. I hope one day to look back on this and think “that was only the beginning…”
Until then, I just wanted to thank you all sooooooo much for your support and words of encouragement. You guys are awesome! I couldn’t have made it through these rough episodes without you guys! As I said, I still have a lot to learn and improve. I honestly feel that you never stop learning or growing as a person as you age. I do feel like I am in a much better place now. I’ve had some time to clear my mind, and really figure out what it is I want to do with my life, and think things through I feel like I am absolutely on the right path now, and I can’t wait to see where it’s going to lead me. Stay tuned….. xxo Ash