'RHONJ' Ashlee Holmes: "I Was Going Nowhere"

Ashlee Holmes Real Housewives of New Jersey
Teresa's blog!
Teresa Giudice Fabulicious
Check out the RHONJ's Fabulicious site! Read More »
Housewives' Songs
Vote: Which 'Housewives' song reigns supreme? Read More »

The ongoing family feud on The Real Housewives of New Jersey took a turn for the worst when Ashlee Holmes finally pushed her mom Jacqueline Laurita too far -- inevitably leading to Ashlee getting kicked out of the house because of the 20-year-old's alleged partying and attitude. Now Ashlee is going on the record in an exclusive blog post for Celebuzz to clear up all the rumors on what really went down behind-the-scenes on last night's dramatic episode. You can also follow Ashlee's blog on Buzznet.

BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING, I WANT TO CLEAR UP ONE THING THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT THING TO ME. On last night's episode during a scene where I was fighting with my mom, I asked her why she was talking to me like I was a "r****d". I want to make it CLEAR, that I HONESTLY NEVER say that word. EVER. When I heard it come out of my mouth on the show, I even surprised myself. I swear, my jaw actually dropped when I watched the episode for the first time. You can ask any of my friends, I honestly never say that word. I was disgusted with myself for saying that in that tone, and I don't even know why it came out.

In NO WAY did I intentionally mean to offend anyone. I know that word can be EXTREMELY hurtful to both someone who has special needs and their loved ones as well. I have worked with special needs adults before, and to be honest, a lot of them are more intelligent than most people I know. They are loving, honest and real. I am so disgusted with myself for saying that word, and there is NO EXCUSE. All I can do is apologize.

Now, originally I was going to recap everything from the past season (mainly the past two episodes), but I'm not going to do that. There isn't a point explaining the past. The person I was then is not who I am now. A lot of time has gone by, and the people at home don't see everything. Despite what you all may think, you see a VERY small fraction of what we actually film.

There was a lot going on in my personal life at the time both on AND OFF camera. I was dealing with a break up (even though it was my choice to end it.) It was still hard to deal with. I had started hanging out with a guy who quickly became one of my best friends, but he didn't want a girlfriend. We acted as if we were a couple though, so our friendship was a little like a roller coaster at that time. That was obviously a little confusing and hard to handle. During my break up with Derek, I really discovered what NYC nightlife was like. So, I started going out ALL THE TIME. I was rarely ever home.

I was dealing with all of my problems with my parents. I didn't feel like i fit in at all. I didn't feel fully accepted. I just didn't want to be home or around anyone. Any time I was around, it would always end negatively. I'm still going through some of those issues with them. We are family though, and I do love them. I'm definitely the black sheep in my family. It can be pretty hard to handle at times. They don't get me a lot of the tim. On top of all that, I was feeling guilt. I felt bad that I wasn't there for C.J. and Nick. Here I am with all these other brothers in Texas, and I wasn't even spending time with the brothers I lived with. I just didn't want to be home though. I didn't want a job because I didn't want to waste time doing something that I didn't want to do, and I had no idea what I wanted to do. I have so many interests that I couldn't pick just one thing. I would go out all the time because when I was out with my friends, I could forget about all of my problems. I obviously now know that that isn't a good way to handle problems. Although I would still enjoy myself when I would be out with my friends, it was making my depression that much worse when I wasn't out. My anxiety level was through the roof. I was going nowhere with that routine. I still LOVE to go out with my friends, just because that's the kind of personality I have. I just know now to do everything in MODERATION.

The past few episodes have been rough. Mainly because it was filmed a while ago. At this stage in my life, I feel like I grow and learn something each week. Imagine how I feel after about 8 months? Yes, I still make mistakes. I still do things that others feel I shouldn't do I'm sure. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. The past two weeks especially were hard for me to watch because I really saw how I hurt my mom. I don't regret it though, because even though my mom and I have repaired things since, it just helped me open my eyes THAT much more, and same goes for my mom. Our communication bridge totally opened up and we were able to improve our relationship that much more. So, even though it hurt to watch, it was still helpful. The only annoying part is all of the hate mail I've been receiving. I've received death threats, people telling me to kill myself, people saying they're going to do ___ if they ever see me, comments about my weight, style, my looks in general. When you're getting these messages by the thousands, it's VERY hard not to read some of it. It's even HARDER not to let it get to you. "Reality" television can be hard to handle. You definitely need thick skin. I was down about some of the comments I was receiving for a while. Luckily I have the most amazing family, friends &fans in my life. They helped me realize that people are going to hate no matter what I do. The Kardashians are probably the most well known celebrity personalities at the moment, and even they have people saying terrible things to them that they have to deal with every day. Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Lady Gaga, THE PRESIDENT, the girl in your science class etc.. EVERYONE has haters, some people that just say negative things just for the sake of being negative. What really matters are the people in your life that love you. Honestly, sometimes all you need is yourself to love you. I have my insecurities, and flaws. I'm still learning that I need to think before I speak. I'm learning better ways to deal with my problems. I'm growing. It takes time. The difference is I'm living all of my flaws out not only in the public eye, but after the footage has been though the editing room. It sucks sometimes. You just need to have confidence in yourself, and know that as long as YOU are happy with YOU. That's all that matters. Here I am getting upset about a comment from someone who's hiding behind a computer screen. People who go out of their way to send hateful words to someone they don't know just shows their own insecurities. CLEARLY they aren't happy with their life because they feel the need to tear other people down to attempt to make themselves feel better. It's sad. My fans and loved ones are definitely the ones that keep me going through times like this. I hope you all continue to stand by me, and grow with me. I know that have a lot more work to do, but the great thing about that is that I'm still young. All of the problems that I have right now are pretty typical for my age. Bottom line, If you aren't happy about something, change it. Follow your bliss.

Anyway, looking back on life and this past season and seeing my attitude, I'm not at all proud of how I acted. I hate how I've come across on television so far. I am ashamed of myself. SOOOOO MUCH has changed since filming season 3. A lot has been resolved as far as my issues with my mother and my mother's issues with me. We misunderstood each other. We finally have everything out in the open now and things couldn't be better between us. (Well, we're DEFINITELY getting there at least lol) I have the MOST AMAZING parents I could ever ask for. My mom is the strongest woman I know. She has so much strength and courage. I bow down to her for being able to do all that she has done. If I had a kid right now, I don't even know where I would be. I am just figuring out how to take care of myself, let alone take care of and raise a child. Even on days that my mom and I 'hate' each other, I couldn't ask for a better mom. I wouldn't trade her for any other mom out there. She is definitely one VERY special woman. We are so much the same person that I think we've helped each other grow as women. She is my world. My daddy, I give credit to because he's taken responsibility for his mistakes, and he's owned up to all of them. He has definitely made up for the short time that he wasn't around as much. He has been an amazing father, and I wouldn't trade him for ANY other dad. He's funny, smart, artistic, loving, and mine. The lucky thing is that I get the privilege of having TWO AMAZING DADS. My step dad I do not in any way think of as my "step" dad. I honestly feel like I have two biological dads. I know... it sounds weird. Haha! My step dad has known me practically my whole life. He knows me so well. He stepped up and took care of me when I didn't fully have the support I needed. He didn't have to do any of that. Yeah, it hurts me that we don't have the warm bubbly relationship that I would like, but I know now that a HUGE part of that is because of me. I also know that he's hurting because he doesn't have that sort of relationship with me anymore either. I know that we will be close like that again eventually. I know I need to prove myself to him. I know that he's hurt for how I've treated him over the years. What makes me respect him so much more is that even when I did act out, and hurt him and my mother, that he STILL took care of me. He STILL would give me AMAZING advice, and always had my best interest at heart. It took me a while to see all of this, but now that I do I KNOW that THAT is real love. Looking back on everything and knowing all that I do now, I truly appreciate everything my parents have done for me. Each one of my parents are so wonderful. I realize now how blessed I am. There are people out there who have lost their parents, and some that never even got to meet theirs. I am sooooo grateful for what I have. [These are just my parents, imagine how I feel about my grandparents, and the INCREDIBLE aunts, and uncles I was blessed with. They have helped me through this whole growing process, and I love them all. I am so thankful that they're so forgiving and patient with me.

Where am I now? Well, Tomorrow I move to LA. I will be staying with a friend, and then I will be moving into my own apartment on September 3rd. Before you say ANYTHING- NO, MY PARENTS AREN'T PAYING FOR ANY OF THIS. This move is funded by me 100%. I am very proud of myself for finally following through with something that I want to do. I love the apartment that I bought. It may only be 425 square feet, but it's MY 425 square feet. Haha! It's small, but just enough for me. I am very excited and equally terrified about this move. There are so many things I didn't realize went into owning your own place. It's actually pretty funny. I was laughing about it with my mom. I was like, "I need to buy a can opener? I didn't realize it was a luxury to have one of those. Oh, a spatula? Batteries? etc..." Such random stuff, but you need it all! Insanity. Anyway, I am hoping I will continue to grow as a person from this move. I recently changed my name legally from 'Ashley' to 'Ashlee' for reasons that I will later explain. Make fun of me for it if you want. LOL! I'm anxious to get to LA just to finally be there. I have some good friends out there, and it will be a nice change of scenery. I have A LOT of big things planned for myself. I have an internship waiting there for me with Buzznet & Celebuzz. I recently formed my own LLC. I'm currently working on my own clothing line that I hope to launch by 2012. I am working on building my own website, that will also be up and running soon. I am also writing a book. I think the content of the book is going to surprise a lot of people, no one REALLY knows me the way they think they do. There is A LOT more that I've wanted to share with you all. I'm going to have to save it for my book. I am very excited to get all of this done and share it with you all. I'm anxious for the experience of it all. I am young, my company is just a baby. I hope one day to look back on this and think “that was only the beginning…”

Until then, I just wanted to thank you all sooooooo much for your support and words of encouragement. You guys are awesome! I couldn't have made it through these rough episodes without you guys! As I said, I still have a lot to learn and improve. I honestly feel that you never stop learning or growing as a person as you age. I do feel like I am in a much better place now. I've had some time to clear my mind, and really figure out what it is I want to do with my life, and think things through I feel like I am absolutely on the right path now, and I can't wait to see where it's going to lead me. Stay tuned..... xxo Ash

Celebuzz on Twitter
Follow us for the latest celeb news! Read More »


Default avatar
  • Beth

    Omg a book??? Just go away. Be happy, get healthy, but please spare us your clothing line and book. Does the world really need one more beret?

  • Janie

    Did u really buy your apartment. How did u save so much money?

  • Janis

    Ashlee (now that you changed it), I hope that someday you learn to respect your mother and step-father. I personally would CUT you off....You act like a spoild brat. I am sure karma will show itself in your life. One day you may understand that parents are not perfect. My mom was not the greatest...trust me, your mom is a saint in comparison. But it took some growing up on my part to accept that the life I have is different from other "perfect" families, but at least I have a family to love me and love back. What if something happened to your mom and you could never take back the words and behavior you have towards her. Regret. You need to see that life is precious and quit taking advantage of it. I wish you and your family the best and I hope you figure yourself out soon. Janis

  • Piper

    I'll admit I thought you were a brat on the season just finished, but the ill will spewing forth at you is very intense. Don't read it and keep your head up. You will be alright. I wish only good things for you and your family.

  • Ashley

    Hi AshleE, I'm commenting not because we share the same name, but because we basically share the same adolescence. I'm 22 years old now and though I did not (and do not) have financial support from either of my parents or a reality show to 'get myself out there' (which you're so fortunate to have, by the way!) BUT, I did go through so many of the same problems that you're going through/went through with your family. Even though your mother and my mother are so very different, they both had to single-handedly work as hard as they could to support a child and as much as I have grown to respect her now, it was hard to deal with the resentment I felt from my mother growing up (whether she realized it or not) from her taking out the fact that she had to work so hard on me. My father also was not a very big part of my childhood, being in another state, and I was lucky enough for a loving, accepting, but shy (like Chris) step-father that came into our lives when I was three and take on that responsibility. All too often, I felt that no matter how "good" I was or what I did, I was always being scrutinized and looked at under the microscope -- like a black sheep. Anyway, I don't mean to give you my life story -- but long of the short, I get it. When you came onto the show, I was amazed at how similar our situations were and I really felt for you. I just want you to know (though it seems that you're already headed in the right direction) that is DOES get better. I can see that, like me, what you need is independence and with that, everything will fall into place. Obviously, you're fortunate eneough to have been able to establish yourself and get yourself out therewith a television show, but I wish you the best. Stay positive! -Ashley

  • ashleyhater

    "You my friend are going know where" Hey Ashlee why dont you learn to spell. Its NO Where but I guess your soooo smart you didn't KNOW that.

  • Anthony

    Im replying to the first comment, You my friend are going know where. You are attacking a 20yo girl for how she is potrayed on television. A) she gets payed more for a season than you probably make a year, so she already went further than you. B) ugly troll? she has modeled for multiple outlets(other than Posche), Teresa used to be my favorite now its a tie between her and Kathy, Shes maternal like caroline but not annoying rich seems annoying,but also comes off like that great realtive we all have whos a pain, but you love him anyway. But if teresa did attack jac, Ash u shlda pulled the weeve lol

  • Linda Lee
    Linda Lee

    Wasn't that you involved in the twitter war between your mom and Teresa? How have you changed? The change was you didn't actually pull Teresa's hair. Big change... at least you weren't arrested this time around.

  • KJ

    Ashlee, you are a complete f*-up at life. You have a nasty attitude, you don't appreciate anything your parents have done for you, and you have no ambition to do anything productive with your life. Interestingly enough, did you ever realize that the time and money you spend partying all night could have been spent in college, getting an education at the same time? Instead, you're almost 21 and what do you have to say for yourself? most of your high school friends will graduate from college next year, and what will you have? You don't have a decent job, and you're uneducated. Stop filming episodes of RHONJ and open a book. Personally you should be embarrassed, because at your age you cannot take care of yourself and say you've really achieved anything special. Get a real, full time job, or go to school, or GET OUT of your parents' house. Ungrateful troll that you are.

  • We're Not Buying It
    We're Not Buying It

    Uh, Gigi, honey.....yes, I do remember 20! By that time, I had been out of my parents house and on my own for 3, count'em 3 years! I didn't HAVE to be and nobody paid for my car or my home! I did it on my own by WORKING! Now, not everybody has that in them, I agree. However, there should be a balance which Ashley (I don't give a rip how she spells it) does not grasp. Someone is paying for her home and even if it's not Chris, someone is!!!! Hateful comments and name calling will only make her grow angrier but your comments will not help her grow up either!

  • We're Not Buying It
    We're Not Buying It

    Ashley (sorry, I don't care if you changed your name), Questions....If Chris didn't buy your home, who did? Who cares if it's 400 sq.ft...it still costs money? Admittedly, you haven't held a job hence, you have no money. If you have an internship "waiting" for you, you are not going to be paid to perform this job. Hence, who will be paying for your living expenses? This is all I came up with after reading this so-called blog. Look, I was no angel growing up and sincerely, I don't know anyone who was BUT you're not doing yourself any favors by taking advantage of anyone! Suck it up and go out on your own FOR REAL. This blog just tells us all, you've found another way to use another family member!! You can dismiss this as me being a 'hater' but sooner or later, you will have to listen to what I've said even though it may come from someone else,

  • Gag Me
    Gag Me

    Well, let's start with the fact...I don't even believe you wrote this. You are not that well spoken. You are in fact moving to LA. You couldn't keep a job or an internship but you just bought your first apartment? I believe chris didn't fund it but what 20 year old has the money to BUY their first home, without working for at least a period of time? On top of it, you're going to work as an intern again? You do know that means no pay, right? Who is paying for your food, clothing, utilities and gas money? Santa? I'm not going to completely obliterate you here but I hope you will consider one thing, ok? Most of the comments dogging you here are from people your age or just a little older. It's coming from kids that have far less than you do. Some kids have 1 parent present in their lives and here...you have 4. If you've truly bought an apartment, got an internship and are headed to LA, you haven't grown, or learned anything because you are STILL taking advantage of someone. Yes, I'm calling you on that! I'm not going to call you names and insult your appearance, that won't help you but you certainly are NOT getting it. I clicked on this blog because I wanted to give you a chance to tell me (and viewers) you're making changes. I, along with the majority, don't believe that you've learned anything. Do you think whoever is footing the bill for your move, could help my nephew out? He's been through hell and I can't do for him, what he actually deserves but some how, you've manipulated someone to pay to move you across the country. $20 says your back in NJ by Season 4 taping. PROVE ME WRONG!

  • Elysian

    AshlEE, Do you ever stop whining?? My God, it's not always about you!! I hope you have the celebrity 'clout' you will need to make it out in LA- but if you treat those people the way you have treated everyone up until now you won't have an internship very long, LLC or not.

  • Barbie

    Don't listen to any of the negative comments from anybody. Focus on the POSITIVE! Itseems like you are going in a good direction and it will be good for you to live on your own and experience life for yourself. I wish you the best of luck in your future!

  • Kate

    How the hell did you buy your own apartment?

  • Joanne

    Ashlee, I wish you all the best. It takes a lot to own up to mistakes and if you learn your lesson, all the better for you. You will grow a lot being on your own and will come to really appreciate all your parents gave you. Wel all make mistakes in life. Best of luck to you!

  • judy charles
    judy charles

    You are a bitch, times 50!!! NO ONE can stand to watch you, spoiled rotten, you will never amount to anything in this world.

  • princess

    You really have no clue how blessed you are do you? Most teenaged girls could only dream to live with two sets supportive loving parents. I know your "daddy" is biological, but Chris is your true father and I believe wholeheartedly that he loves you more and thinks of your wellfare far more than "daddy" does. Most of us can only dream of having the family you are a part of, getting very expensive new cars thrown at you when most of us had to work from fifteen or younger saving every cent for a ten year old beater car that we probably loved more than you do the new ones you are given. I pray that some day you will mature and wake up to smell the coffee before its too late. Your mother loves you more than anyone on this earth and it is being shown for all the world to say while you call her horrible names. I am sorry Ash, but as much as I try...I don't like you. You act ugly and selfish and that just is not pretty no matter what color you dye your hair or how much fat you shoot into your lips. Neither was flattering my the way. It made me ill to see Andy lie to you about how "pretty you looked". Ya right. You should see how beautiful the oceanside is in Arizona as well!

  • lala

    You are a spoiled brat,get over yourself,your nothing special that everyone should cater to you,Think about this,your mother didn't have to keep you and Chris didn't have to treat you as his own...and your father the hero...really??? Your mother and Chris should be your hero's.After all aren't they the one's cleaning up your messes and buying you cars...loser.

  • mary

    Ashely, take care girl. People are soooooomean to you. I was mad that you hurt your mother, yet you will figure it all out. Your young ,learn to watch others and learn to listen. I hope the best for you I think moving is a good idea hope you can do that.

  • Dina Tori
    Dina Tori

    Leave her alone and mind your own damn business holy crap you must be really miserable analyzing her damn life pay attention to YOUR life and leave her alone its ridiculous how all you people know how to do is point fingers well three more are pointing back at YOU and who the hell are you to even be critizing Ashlee I hope you dont pay any attention to these people and how jealous they are as long as you realized your mistakes and your working on them thats all that matters I'm pretty damn sure none of these negative people on here are doing all that great or are happy with themselves also there is NOTHING wrong with you being confident at all your young enjoy your life everyday as it were your last and dont even bothering reading any of this shit on the internet seriously goodluck with everything and you can tell your parents really love you a lot I'm glad your working things out with them , all the best to you and your family.

  • mom in texas
    mom in texas

    Ashlee, your behavior towards your parents is so bad I thought for sure it was all for television...then I watched the past two episodes and realized that not only is this the true you, you actually EXPECT to be given everything. Even when you have been given everything, you still enjoy being the most hurtful and most horrible daughter I have ever seen. You should put up a billboard where you live apologizing and hope and pray she can get over the things you say and the way you act. And don't think for a minute that when you put on those "Oh, my, I didn't know I was doing that" crap, anyone believes you. You are just trying to make excuses for your well known bad behavior.

  • sjones

    If you think it is painful to look back 8 months and see how horrible you acted...you have no idea. You continue to do things and make decisions that are not well thought out, and maturely considered. Going forward, I would encourage you to really consider the end result of your actions and decisions. I have a 5/5/5 approach. How will this decision affect me in 5 hours, in 5 days, and in 5 years. Taking time to consider the outcome for every action really will help you to approach everyday decisions with much more maturity, and, believe me...your friends and family will notice and appreciate the difference.

  • Christie

    So you put yourself on TV for all the world to see, acting like a spoiled, immature, entitled, self-centered brat, but people have no right to criticize you? As for the difference between the Kardashians getting hate mail and you getting hate mail, people are jealous of the Kardashians. They really do hate you. And your family and friends( would you even have friends if you weren't on TV?) can spoon-feed you any kind of crap they want. You're already delusional. The only reason you made amends with your mom is because you know you'll need a bail-out. And please, stop strutting around like you're hot.

  • Tammie

    People should really stop making fun of Ashlee's hats!! She has said before that her Grandmother makes them for her & that's why she wears them. Which is sweet & respectful towards her Grandma. Besides, what's wrong with having the confidence to wear something you like, whether some others may think it's "hot" or not? I think Ashlee often dresses cute & I applaud her for finally having the motivation & ambition to give a clothing line a shot. Granted, Ashlee has made plenty of mistakes, like most of us...but if she's trying now, give her a chance.

  • Dee

    Ashlee.. every one goes through a rebellious point in their lives. However, you are just plain out disrespectful, ungrateful and unappreciative. You're so fortunate to have 4 parents. I would like to see you showing your mom more love and appreciation for her sacrifices and hard work and just respect her. She is your mother. Going out and living on you own isn't the smartest of decisions. You need to be able to take some responsibility and show your parents that you appreciate what they do for you. You're 20, a young adult, its time to put the childish games behind and start taking control of your life. Btw, on a past episode you told Chris that you wanted him to like you. How selfish are you? Chris treats you like his own child, yet you show no appreciation. He bought you a vehicle so you could have a sense of independence and you didn't even give him a Christmas card. Shame on you. Everyone has to work, get your act together, pull your own weight and change your attitude! All the best

  • LAgirl99

    Ashley-- I remember when I had a bit of an attitude when I was in high school. However, in college, I realized that my parents were only on me because they wanted me to be happy and successful. Your Mom is not on you simply to just ANNOY you but because she does not want you to get pregnant at a young age and miss out on the opportunities that perhaps she did. Your attitude needs to change asap-- you DO have the potential to do something with your life. Do you not acknowledge that??? Do you need some type of validation? You need to really demonstrate to yourself what you really are capable of doing-- once you do, I guarantee your attitude will change. You need to have a positive attitude, work hard, and recognize your mistakes. You are NOT a dumb girl! YOU HAVE AN ADVANTAGE that most girls your age would LOVE to have....GO DO SOMETHING with it!!!! Forget the people who are being negative towards you and fight it by pursuing your dreams. Also, your Mom is really not a bad person. She's a cool lady and VERY understanding. There are girls your age with drug addict absent Moms who would kill to be in your shoes!! Good luck Ashley! I moved to LA from the Midwest when I was 24 and have been here for 10 years. I was determined and it worked for me!! :)) cheers,

  • honestly educated
    honestly educated

    Haha You took have that right Sharon. Work is called Work for a reason or else it would be called Fun! Doubtful that Ash would be capable of scrubbing a toilet since I saw her on WWHL (living at home already from LA)and when Andy asked her if she was keeping her room clean she laughed and said "no" as if it were she was too damn cute. *gag* As for her clothing line. Who in the world is going to buy something from a girl who runs around with the same pot holder on her head for years? Sorry Ash, but potholders are NOT HOT! You are so far from being a Kardashian....as in night verses day....Its dark out for you hun

  • Meagan

    My rebellion started when I was 19 and went until I was almost 21. I fought crazily with my parents, and was completely awful. I'll spare you the details, but if I had to watch it those scenes I would've died! You are very brave, and people don't realize how hard it is to go through this rough patch on television. At that point I felt so lost and didn't know how to fix it. I am 25 and almost ready to graduate from college. I am closer than ever with my parents, especially with my Mom. I just wanted to tell you how much I could relate to what you were going through. Just remember that life is often only as hard as you make it. As I'm sure you're learning everything does get easier!! I love your family the most. Jacqueline is very funny and low key. Shes pretty awesome!! :) good luck in LA!!

  • L

    You are the DUMBEST person ever. Don't you realize what your parents want for you. Had you not been lazy and gone to college you would be having the time of your life. College the funnest time anyone will ever have and you had the opportunity to have it. All you have to do is go to class and make good grades, your parents would have payed for your schooling and room and board and you would be on your own, doing whatever you like, the only thing they want in return is for you to go to class and pass your classes. Ask anyone in college or has been to college...FUNNEST time ever. Why be a grown up so early, go to school, let your parents pay for your school and apartment and go to class. Stop being so lazy. You missed out on not going to college. BIGGEST mistake you could make. I think you are rude, immature, mean, and ugly. I wish they would kick you off the show. I hate seeing your face on camera. AS for your mom, LOVE her and agree with her on everything...and I'm 28yrs old. I hope you fail in LA and I hope you won't be on next season, so sick of your crap.

  • Deb

    Ashlee, wishing you the best, but be careful about tweeting bad things about teresa, you just said it was painful what people are doing to you.so be kind like you always are and dont get involve in any of your mothers dramas...I said that because there is word that you are tweeting bad stuff about teresa....the same way you did danielle. so you now know the pain first hand...dont be the one to cause others pain because something you dont agree with...anyways i saw how your mom treated you so badly on tv and I hope you find your way and keep your chin up. my heart goes out to you

  • B Rambin
    B Rambin

    Ashlee, I am so sorry that people have made aweful comments to you and your family. No one has the right to judge another person. You are so right, people will always negative comments for whatever reason they may have. However that is not were you get your self worth. Please don't listen to the haters, just keep moving forward. Love your family, friends and yourself and things will work out the way they are meant to.... with love and prayers to you...

  • Jo

    So glad to read your blog & see things are working with you and all your parents. You are very lucky and I'm so glad for you that you are finally growing into a responsible woman. Cudos to you & glad you are growing:)

  • Sharon Simpson
    Sharon Simpson

    "I didn’t want a job because I didn’t want to waste time doing something that I didn’t want to do, and I had no idea what I wanted to do." Right Ashley, because earning a living is "wasting time." Do you think that people who scrub toilets "want" to scrub toilets??? Like, they spent their childhoods thinking "I can't wait to grow up and clean up after other people's $hi&!" People work to earn money, but "earn" is a word that isn't even in your vocabulary. It's all "me me me me me me me."

  • Carly G.
    Carly G.

    "I don't fit in" wah wah wah. You know Ashley/lee, there's this thing in life, it's called give and take. Some people are givers, some are takers. You are without a doubt a taker.

  • CynCityCook

    Good Luck Ashlee, I watch all the RHW shows and have not always liked or agreed with things I have seen but I have never written a hateful comment. I cant imagine my life being filmed because NONE of us are perfect ~ so why do the haters act like they are?

  • Gina

    I may not have agreed with choices you made on the show, however I think it's sad someone can sit at a computer and make such horribly harsh comments. You are young, you need to get out there on your own to really understand how the world works, and to really be able to appreciate your parents. The first few years our of highschool you really do change so much and begin to figure out who you are. Give Ashlee a break, and instead encourage her to become positive and learn from her mistakes. Who out there would look good on TV at 20...i was a train wreck!

  • mrfixit

    What a joke you are. I January you were a spoiled brat and today you are an author, clothing designer, Celebrity and all grown up? I pity you and your parents. You are too lazy to work, too lazy to design a t-shirt, too spoiled to buy a car and to immature to move to LA. You think everything should fall into your lap without sacrifice. Take a look at the real world when you get to LA. Maybe you will wake up but I bet when the going gets tough you will run back to mommy and daddy and blame the cruel world for all your troubles.

  • maur

    Why don't you put out a record? You can sing, anyone can with autotune.

  • C

    correction - you favor your dad over your mum despite all her sacrifices

  • C

    Maturity does not always come with age, being a certain age does guarantee maturity. And that is evident with you. My mom always told us, "treat everyone like you want to be treated, what goes around comes around" This goes to your parents as well. In your post, reading between the lines I don't see a lot of change, I see that you favor your mum over your dad and you still have that entitled attitude. The funny thing is this it is inevitable that life is gonna deal you a hand that will make you figure things out it's only a matter of time. Certain attitudes and behaviors reap certain consequences, here's hoping it does not get as bad as you are setting up fpr yourself. Hope your words are translating into action thats all that matters and your mum and family feel and see a change in you, not just you alone.

  • Cat

    As I was reading your post though everything sounds good I couldn't help but think these are just words. Even though you emphasize that the show only show a "very" small portion of you and your family's life. True as that may be, every moment counts and the many "very small" moments shown on the show are also the memories that you and your family have in their minds. like one of the previous comments "actions speak louder than words" Hopefully you are showing your mother Love beyond just words, not talking back to her, calling her names (that is absolutely disgusting to me) and blatantly embarrassing and disrespecting her. I commend you for writing so eloquently but I challenge you to do A LOT better for a woman who loves you I'm sure more than words can describe. Life can be gone in the blink of an eye, if anything happens you should be sure you have no regrets and you did your absolute best to show your loved ones all the love you could show. cuz in the end that is all that matters. In the words of Maya Angelou "When you know better, you do better" Her's hoping you know better now. Good luck with all you future endeavors. ciao!

  • Willy

    ahhahh people feel really strongly about this character on a "reality" tv show. I think if you're biggest worry- or any kind of worry for that matter- has to do with a tv personality, I think you'z a lil cookoo. it hilarious reading peoples comments like they're like RIGHT into it like given'r haha. Like bud go walk your dog or play blocks with your kids or something, it's not as if shes reading everyone of these comments and taking your advice. serioulsy YA'LL R FACKED! ha

  • Nicole

    "I am young, my company is just a baby. I hope one day to look back on this and think “that was only the beginning…” " good job copying that quote from the Jac Vanek website, minus the word biography. I mean I've heard your friends with her but seriously. Not trying to be a hater either, I am a fan of you but I was just pointing that out.

  • Melanie

    I would have to agree well written you are very sincere and I believe you have changed. I just wish my 18 year old daughter sees life the way you do. I wish all the best in your up coming projects I look foward to reading your book. Good Luck and remember family will always be there for you... Take care Ashlee...

  • Kat

    Well written Ashlee, good luck and I hope you do well in your new ventures! I hope your book is about your recent transition into adulthood and maturity. Your and your mothers story on the last two shows have really hit home with me, though I see it through your mother's eyes, I'm hoping my 21 year old daughter will realize that family and the support I try to give her should be important to her too. It's important that you don't read or take to heart the stupidity, hate and ignorance of people's opinions in these comments. Not all people can understand what others are going through or understand the difference between TV and reality. Good luck and continue to make good decisions!!

  • Remie

    Everything you have and have going is because your mom is on the show - you are a good-for-nothing and for you to think you are a designer-WHAT A JOKE! You will be back knocking on your mom's door because you have no work ethic and are a bitch no one will want to work with.

  • Tara H
    Tara H

    Ash OMG reading this reminds me so much of myself it's scary. All I can say is "you go girl" I remember being your age and telling my mom you are the resonance I am high maintenance ,I am not you I am me and thinking it was her job to support it wow I was way off but I knew no different like you o had 4 parents who lived me with all their heart a 2nd dad who I had wrapped and a father who we biggie knew he had made mistakes but I was a Daddy's Girl. Wtg on your move I did it later but like you I did so I could grow up. Even though my 2nd dad drove 150 miles to make sure my oil was changed. Lol Have fun thanks for taking the time to post you owe none of us a explanation as long as your friends and family know you that's all that matters we are the ones who choose to watch and you should just do what you can with it and take it to the bank. You can grow from it and make the most of it

  • lola

    You wouldnt know a days work if it hit you in the face. Any money you have is from being on Housewives/selling photos/interviews. Good luck in LA bc you are gonna need it! You're a nobody. You will not become the next big thing. Trust me. If someone really loves you they would tell you to give up the celebrity/get rich quick dream (you honestly dont have the looks) and get a REAL education. Your 15 minutes are almost over already!

  • lisa

    I think u are making a big mistake going to LA too much night life and drugs my daughter got caught in all the glam got hooked on meth and pot and drinking didnt want to work til she hit rock bottom and now lives with me. Now shes clean and sober went to school passed her state exam for phlebotomy and has a job but it was HELL for 3 years watching her do this to herself she is 25 now and she is happy she went from 80 pounds to 130 she is beautiful but as a parent she put me thru hell and the way she treated me during this time was awful dont get caught in the glam it will ruin u and u seem to be a follower and would do like your friends do

  • Tara

    Good for you ashlee!! So happy for you. I went through a depression after graduating high school, I waited two years before enrolling to college. I just graduated last year. My parents was yelling at me from every direction. So I can relate. God bless.

  • jjk

    Good for you Ashlee! Almost every child goes through the same thing that you went through with your parents. It shows such growth that your willing to acknowledge your part in all of it and move on. Keep working on it and you will be amazed at what the good Lord brings your way. Heres to a brighter future!! Good luck!!

  • Irene

    Happy to hear u have big plans and I know life is a learning process and we all go through troubles but yours is on t.v. And people think they have a right to comment but for people making threats they have crossed the line.... And welcome to California!!! We look forward to see you prosper out here!!! Good luck sweetie

  • MD

    even at 20 you should not disrespect your mother especially a good mother who has loved and taken care of you we all make mistakes but being rude and nasty to your mother is unacceptable at any age and I really hope she means what she is saying because if not karma is going to be a b****

  • D58

    Ashlee, Its great to hear you and your mom are on the path to a better relationship. Life is short and you dont want regrets on how you have treated your parents. I am a step mom and I am blessed to have two wonderful kids. So don't ever think Chris and the Manzo's don't love you or you don't fit in. sometime these thoughts are created by our own insecurities. Strive to be the best you can be and always, always give 110% to what you set out to do. Lastly, I am in Calif. and it can be tough world. Stay true to who you are and don't get catch up in some of the nonesense of celebrity life. In the end, only people who care is family. Take care and God be with you.

  • D58

    Ashlee, Its great to hear you and your mom are on the path to a better relationship. Life is short and you dont want regrets on how you have treated your parents. I am a stepmom

  • Rebecca

    Congrats on your move! My first apartment was also eye opening! I lived without TV for a year but the big shock for me was that milk doesn't magically appear in the fridge, and dishes don't wash themselves. be safe! Best wishes!

  • judith

    I love everything you said and I'm so glad you and your mom are ok now . You are so lucky to have such an awesome stepdad and not one that would take advantage of you that would molest u. I didn't run with the same luck love Chris he has been there for u all this year and I could tell that you love him too. I can't wait to read your book I'm already anxious for it to cone out . Good Luck on everything you do and know that if you put your heart on it everything will come out fine and if it doesn't keep on trying . Oh and btw what part of LA are you staying ? I'm from LA too . I live close to hollywood. Good luck ashlee and many blessings for you . I really hope u read this . I follow u on twitter too :-)

  • Nicholas

    SOOOOOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU ASHLEE what a wonderful and miraculous change you have made.Remember God is always always always with you and love you. He knows you best he made you and will always listen to you. Continue to be smart and stay positive :-)

  • Lisa Barron
    Lisa Barron

    Bravo Ashlee, wow what a beautiful well written blog! Seeing you in a different way, makes me happy. You are growing and maturing and I'm so proud of you! You are a beautiful person and have so much going for you and so many talents! I look forward to hearing about your new adventures, God bless you and be safe! Enjoy you can do it!


    You are the black sheep because you choose to be. You do things constantly that keep you in the black sheep status. Your actiojns speak louder than words. You are not happy being a positive, supportive, or loving part of the family. Life is going to teach yo usome valuable lessons soon. I was like you once, but grew out of it by the age of 18. You need to be HONEST with yourself and be HONEST about the origins of your artwork. Starting this today will help you ride out life's tough storms.

  • Lisa Lisa
    Lisa Lisa

    Hi Ashlee, Glad to hear u R moving in the right direction. I hope everything u wrote was truly frm the heart and not what you think the viewers/fans or your parents want to hear. I think you are young and perhaps less mature for your age, but you have to grow at your own rate and come to your own realizations. Good luck in CA. I think being on your own will help you grow. Remember to treat your employers with respect. Regarding the haters, of course you shouldn't listen to them. It's the price of fame. You are a beautiful girl and your weight is perfect.

  • ij

    I wish you luck and I'm thrilled that you are in a good place with all your parents. Do yourself a favor and get in touch with a councelor to help to sort out your thoughts. We all need an independent person once in a while to help us along.

  • deanna

    Trust me, there will be a lot more (and bigger) shockers living on your own in L.A. than having to buy a spatula. Hopefully it will make you a bit wiser. Save the book-writing and fashion line for later and focus on doing something that will pay the rent. And I don't know about your real estate acumen, but I'm fairly sure you don't "own" the apartment.

  • gigi

    She's 20! Does anyone remember 20!? We all have made mistakes and we grew from those mistakes! Ashlee...mind your six girl! It's all you and you have a great support from your family and friends! Like LMFAO says "Hatin is bad!" Best of luck!

  • Jess

    Good for you Ashlee! Everyone will have haters, and you need to take the good commentary with the bad. Remember: "The sweet is never as sweet without the sour." You have an amazing family, and you are lucky for that. In comparison, I can only image how hard it is to live your life in front of the entire country. (But every mother and daughter butt heads, so don't sweat it.) You are at an age where life is very confusing and scary, but it is also exciting! Embrace it, and figure out who you really are. Most girls your age live by the "work hard, play hard" mentality: kicking ass in college class, and partying every night. If you're not in school, you just need to make sure you are still working hard. Best of luck, and enjoy La La Land! <3

  • amanda

    Too bad not many people on here have sense ashlee!!!! keep up the good work... ALL THE HATERS ARE GOING TO HATE!!! like the dumb ass people on here leaving comments... they just wish they had what you have.. keep your head up... AND TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY "SUCKKKKKKK ITTT" DUMB ASSES

  • Laxfax

    So let me get this straight. You moved to your dad's to be closer to your brothers but now you moved to LA? Got it. So young. Go live with your parents and get an education while you're still young! You had everything paid for! So naive!

  • Tammy

    The best of luck to you. Please remember not to burn bridges, as you may need to cross them once again.

  • Cannno ball
    Cannno ball

    You still sound stupid and inmature. You have had too much handed to you in life, you will defenitely have to fall before you know what life is really about. You still made some ugly remarks about your mon and family. Silly kid tricks are for kids.

  • Monica

    You do seem to feel sorry for yourself OFTEN and expect people to feel sorry for you. "I don't fit in", "I don't want to work because I get bored", "My mom is a bitch" "Nobody understand me". All of your parents and your family would offer you a great service my allowing you to make your own way. You are a pretty girl, you'll find a man to take care of you. Once your 15 minutes are up, you will need it. You have your future pinned on making it in the entertainment business. Lots of luck girl. I wouldn't want to be on TV if I were you but you but yourself out there and then you're surprised when you get "hate mail". You seem to think you are "entitled" to certain luxury in life because your mom, your dad, your family owes you something. Get a clue and quit being a victim. Read a book on self discovery before you try to pen a book!

  • carrie

    Ashlee I commend you for being honest and open about your mistakes. You remind me so much of my daughter. Just remember to stay grounded(not the punishment type lol) and keep your chin up. People need to remember that you are only human and stop being so critical. Your true fans love you guys no matter what! Good luck on your next phase of life! Xoxo

  • Viewer from TX
    Viewer from TX

    Ashlee...all i have to say is we've heard this exact same thing right after season 2! You are very talented and gorgeous but your attitude stinks and i truly hope this isnt a front just so you dont recieve any more hate emails! your mom seems so wonderful nice and loving and you are your typical 16 yr old with attitude who knows it all - thing is YOU ARE NOT 16 girl grow up!!!!!! with that being sad i really hope you have been changed and i wish you nothing but the best in life - Good luck and Congrats on your move!

  • Tanya

    you have an internship with Celebuzz? Everything that is coming your way is b/c of RHONJ. None of these opportunities would be there without it....I wouldn't exactly say that you've worked hard for any of it.

  • Katrina

    Ashley Ashlee or however you want to spell your name here is a piece of advice; You can move a cow out of the barn and into the house but that still doesn't make it a kitten! Running away from all your problems seems like a really great idea to a person like you, impulsive, selfish, and ungrateful, but no matter what you do in the future you will fail at every corner. You know why? Right now you are on a high because there is nobody around to tell you what to do, when to get out of bed, clean your room, or house for that matter, no curfew basically no rules, all seems really great right now doesn't it? Problem is when the depression sets in because a boy stood you up on a Saturday night and your all alone with no place to go. There will be no place to run. What are you going to do then little girl? In order to build a brand or for that matter keep a job you have to SHOW UP! You aren't going to have a personal life because its a commitment, so far you are 0/25 in that department. The smartest then your parents can do is stay out of it, you wanted this well baby its all you now. Calling yourself Black Sheep doesn't make it so and show your level of maturity, putting digs out there towards your family like that, TOTALLY LIKE VERY LIKE IMMATURE LIKE YA KNOW LIKE.

  • Sharon

    I am glad to hear you owning up to your mistakes. I hope it is genuine. You would be better served to get some education/experience perhaps develop your artistic talent or, as you mentioned, cosmetology school, although that is probably oversaturated in L.A. unless you work hard and have real talent. It seems you want to do things that sound great, but I do wonder if the advantage your somewhat limited TV experience offers is enough to qualify you to author a book or design a clothing line that is marketable. Part of growing and learning is to be realistic and putting in the preparation to qualify you to do something well. Dreams of grandiosity are fine, but need to be accompanied with ability to succeed. Rarely does that mean starting at the top without experience. You are young, you have time. Best of luck.

  • Arica

    Ashlee good luck in LA... I really hope all is well n most of all I hope u really have buried the hatch w ur parents. I totally relate to u w ur mom having u at a young age n sometimes feeling responsible for sacrifices ur mom had to make when younger but once ur older n mature a lil bit ull realize what an amazing strong woman she is for all she went thru n did for u. When I see u tt ur mom n stepdad the way I do I wanna reach thru the screen n shake u. We all go thru that "attitude/I don't give a s*!! Phase but try n grow up w no dad at all. Ur very lucky n just think ur used to having everything handed to u. I hope ur mom n dad follow thru n make u do it on ur own. Ur a beautiful talented artist n r lucky to b in a position to skyrocket if u apply urself... Trust me the partying will get old real quick... N if it doesn't all that means is u still haven't truly grown up. U seem like a cool chick n like someone I'd hang out w. Keep ur head up stay focused n look at the big picture!! Welcome to real reality of being on ur own. N ur not on ur own if u can call mommy or daddy whenever to fix ur problems. I hope it all works out. N I'll continue to watch rhonj

  • concernednana

    I hope you are successful Ashlee. This is your chance to make or break. We do not always get a lot ofr chances. I have not agreed with your disrespect toward your parents, but I hope you have truly apologized. They have made mistakes also but all of you are lucky to have each other. We make our own destiny. Make your future count

  • Larry Getty
    Larry Getty

    Ashlee good luck in LA. It is not a magic place, lots of competition. But good luck with whatever. You have real raw talent in your drawings, you should really consider taking courses to further that talent. In a few short 8 months I really have doubts you have learned as much as you claim, but even half would be great. To say why work if it didn't interest me, that is a real cop out. People do see through this. I am glad you are making it on your own money, keep it that way. You certainly can't make your own life if someone else is paying for it. A book? At this point in your life with no real accomplishments yet?: Not sure what you can possible write about. Perhaps in a year or two, after you actually succeed in something. Forget being a 'public figure" and your "fans". You were simply in a cast on a reality show. That is not acting or moives or even any special talent. Frankly, I hope you stop being on the show all together. You put your life out there, and it does invite opinions and comments from people. Too bad about the threats, no one deserves those at all. Ashlee stop being a 'victim'. It is not attractive. You are young yes, but your behavior was more that of a 15 year old not a 20 year old. You sure do have so much to learn. BTW you feel like an outsider because you want to feel that way. When you fully mature you will see that. Becareful in LA. Don't be too trusting. LA has many scammers. Good luck!

  • Rachel

    I am very proud of you for putting this out there and articulating it so well. Good luck in LA, it is well deserved!

  • Riri

    I think she looked better before the nose job and I honestly think she changed her name to from Ashley to Ashlee to become a porn star.

  • dawn

    Ashlee, Best wishes! I left Ohio at 20 yrs. and moved to Florida by myself. That was 30 yrs ago and I am stil here. Your new adventure begins TODAY and know that life is just that-an adventure!!! Cheers.

  • Me

    Good Luck Ashlee!

  • Mimi

    Such a self serving blog.

  • Kathy Montana
    Kathy Montana

    I wish you all the best! Every family has their probelms. I give you and your family credit for dealing with them on TV! You are lucky to have such a wonderful family, and THEY are LUCKY TO HAVE YOU! Good luck to you in LA. I hope much success and happiness comes your way! xoxoxoxox

  • Melanie Evers-Parker
    Melanie Evers-Parker

    Girl,,,u was just a BRAT,,,u are no where near Kardashion level,,,they are a tight family,,,u THROUGHT BCAUSE your family has money they should pay your way,,when that didn't happen,,,u rebeled,,,I wanted 2come thru the TV and get u 4your wonderful mother,,and all that u claim u were go n thru,,,it's all part of B N GROWN,,sound like u sit bac&watch Kim&her family&try 2bring what they do 2your life,,,they've never never Disrespected there MaMa like u have,,,Plus they WORK,,,u don't even want 2do that,,,there Show is called keeping up with the Kardashions,,,your mama show is called Real Housewifes of New Jersey,,,U C no comparisons,,,last night I PRAYED that GOD would wrap his arms around u&show u some Manners,,,u are sooooooo Blessed,good luck!!!!

  • pat

    I think she is so immature!!!

  • Sophie

    However she wants to spell her name these days, doesn't change the fact that she is a self absorbed, spoiled, entitled, disrespectful a-hole. Her perpetual victim role is exhausting!!! She didn't want to get a job bc she didn't want to waste her time doing something she doesn't want to do?!?! This is an example of someone who is so delusional about how the REAL world works!!! She's called her mother a 'bitch', has been free-loading off them for awhile and shows absolutely no respect or gratitude. Aside from what I've already said about her just being a nasty person, what the hell is going to write that people would want to read?? She seriously suffers from delusions of grandeur if she thinks she's a "star" and has "fans." PUHLEASE! And a clothing line to boot?? OH HELL NO. She has no style!!! She's a hot mess who wears knitted beanie hats on her head. Anyone who buys into her 'get rich schemes' is as sad as she is.

  • Penny

    she's still an asshole

  • Debbie

    Ashlee so glad I read this!! Wasn't going to because I was so mad at u..as you mature you will see there is no greater love than a mother to her baby.. She didn't deserve that treatment.. I pray you get what you need and realize what a great mom and second Dad u have.. Best wishes to u..

  • Ann

    Best of luck but you're in for a huge surprise and disappointment. LA is nothing like what it appears to be, and you already have an advantage with Bravo.

  • Nono

    I truly wish you only the very best of luck in all your future endeavors. Stay focused on your goals, treat others as you wish to be treated, respect yourself always, and you'll do just fine. Remember to be grateful for all you've been given; it'll help you stay humble. You're gonna make it, Ashlee!

  • Shelby

    Give me a break ! A book? A clothing Line? Ya Right !

  • You'll be back
    You'll be back

    sweetie if you didnt know you need a can opener you will never make it on your own.

  • kimmy

    A book ? Seriously I know more about you then I want to know. Your feelings of self grandeur are disturbing and a sign of some mental health issues. Take care of yourself and be well.Stay off the net and get your life in order.

  • s

    please do not move to la, we dont want you.

  • WOW

    I am HORRIFIED that she used that word. She is OLD enough to know better. I honestly feel that she may have some sort of Bi-polar going on. She is a rude, and narcissistic person. IF I were to EVER speak to my folks the way she did I would be dead. And what the heck does she have to be depressed about? Oh please that is an excuse to be LAZY. Enroll her in military school and STOP buying her cars. I hope Jacq lets her fall on her face. I mean she is going to have to move home now that her dad and step mom are going to prison.

  • Zaphod

    After reading that horribly written nonsensical blog, I will be skipping her blog posts in the future. Forget about a book. What a bore.

  • Donell Wells
    Donell Wells

    I personally think Ashlee is a pretty girl, she is disrespectful to her parents and seems to be a lost soul. However I am very proud of her for admitting her mistakes and moving forward in her life. If you have children you know how difficult it can be to connect with them as they always want to rebel and feel you are always wrong and trying to control them.The girl is only 20 and still trying to figure life out. Nasty comments behind a computer screen only shows YOUR immaturity. Good luck Ashlee in all that you do just always remember your parents are the ones who will always be there for you and love you unconditionally.

  • jason

    you are leasing a studio apt not buying one dummy

  • wess

    Ashley is a joke. She is very disrespectful and immature to Chris and Jacqueline. Why would anyone want to purchase clothes from Ashley Holmes? Her starting a clothing line is a joke and she is not cute at all.