‘Roast of Roseanne’: Roseanne Barr Says ’50 Shades of Grey’ Is ‘Loved by Lesbians’ (VIDEO)
“I know all the lesbians love it,” Roseanne Barr told Celebuzz Saturday at her Comedy Central Roast, in Hollywood, of the much-talked-about, sexually charged hit book.
“My sister-in-law loves it. She gave it to me. I haven’t had time to get into it,” Barr added.
Who professed enduring feelings for Roseanne at the Roast, which airs on Comedy Central Aug. 12?
Barr is the latest celebrity roasted by Comedy Central, which has happened 13 times since 2003. Last year, Charlie Sheen and Donald Trump took center stage. Other roastees have included Pam Anderson, David Hasselhoff, and Flavor Flav.
Barr has been peddling her political messages lately as a presidential candidate for the Green Party — such a run would be purely symbolic, however. She has almost zero chance at winning. Still, give points for trying and optimism.
Asked about famous people who run for office, such as Kim Kardashian in a bid for mayor of Glendale, Calif., the irreverent Barr played it safe.
“Every celebrity, every day, everybody,” Barr told Celebuzz. “Every citizen should go out there and get involved. Get out there, and get involved.”
Roseanne was joined Saturday by likeminded celebs, standard roaster comedians, and famous friends and acquaintances — Glee’s Jane Lynch hosted.
Lynch told Celebuzz on the shag — not red — carpet before the show of Barr:
“I just met her, but I’ve had a relationship with her on television for a long time. I was a huge fan of the show Roseanne, and huge fan of hers. How she evolved through the years, and really did it in front of us. She went through hard times and good times. She didn’t hide from the public eye. Every once in a while, she does go away. She kind of just comes back with more force and is aware of how important she is, as a citizen of this world.”
Perhaps the (unexpectedly) emotional highlight of the night inside was seeing Roseanne reunite — sort of — with ex-husband and longtime nemesis, Tom Arnold. The two divorced in 1994, after four years of marriage.
Arnold, after nearly two decades of acrimonious separation with Barr, waxed nostalgic, and affectionate onstage about their marriage — even if Roseanne did later mention her hatred for Arnold as never-ending. Arnold solicited a few “Awws” from the audience for his candid memories.
They shared a hug at the end of Arnold’s monologue.
Below is a transcript of what Arnold said onstage about Roseanne:
We have not been in the same room for over 18 years. It’s nice to see to see so many people here tonight.
I’m not here to tear Roseanne a new one, because quite frankly, I’ve seen the old one. It is spectacular. Could use a little paint, maybe some plants in the corners. But trust me, that baby is move-in ready. Trust me.
Well, why am I here? I’m here to honor Roseanne. And, I’m here because I earned it, the hard way. Have any of you guys ever wrestled her? I have. Has she ever sent you to Paramount Studios to beat up Arsenio Hall for making fat jokes? I did, right? How many of you have been arrested at LAX for defending her singing? This guy right here. Have you ever had a knife pulled on you for spitting on her diet cookies? Yes, yes. That’s right. Have you ever been sucker-punched in the face by her purse in front of Bob Hope at his 90th birthday party? Yes, you did.
Yes, at one time, we were very, very close. I was with Roseanne — and she’s talked about this a lot — she had 27 personalities. And only two of them liked me. One of those was a small German boy. She’s crazy, right?She’s crazy. In the beginning of her career, she called herself a domestic goddess. Then, security called her a domestic terrorist. You’ve come a long way, baby.
Boy, have times changed. The first time I appeared on your show [‘Roseanne’], over 47 million people watched it. To get those kinds of number, Comedy Central will have to re-air this roast 1 million times. Which unfortunately, or fortunately, they probably will do.
Rosie and I were once inseparable, we lived together, we worked together. We even got tattoos together. You remember. I had Rosie’s face tattooed on my chest. Believe me, it is hard for a woman to have sex with you when Roseanne is staring at her. It’s even harder to masturbate. Rosie, this is true, had ‘I Love Tom Arnold’ tattooed on her hip — which made me the fourth largest property-owner in California.
Now that I’m allegedly sober, and we’re both in stable relationships, I want you to know, Rosie, there is no reason to be jealous of my wife, Ashley. She’s tall and thin and wasn’t even born when we were married. Plus, I’ve learned from your biggest mistake — I made her sign a pre-nup. Heh, heh, heh. That was some — woah.
I want to say something about your boyfriend, Johnny. Johnny, I want to say this to you, man — no matter what, you’ve got to stick with this woman. She may not be the perfect wife, but trust me, she’s the worst ex-wife on the planet. Literally. You don’t want to be the guy on the couch with your date and hear how small your [penis] is on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ And then, ‘The View,’ then CNN, then Al-Jazeera. She holds a grudge, people.
You know sometimes I forget what it’s like to be Roseanne, and then I look at her Twitter feed, and it all comes rushing back. This is all true. One minute, she tweets, ‘You’re great.’ The next tweet is ‘Eat s***, dumb a**.’ Followed by, ‘Happy birthday, President Obama,’ followed by ‘Kiss my pot-smoking a**, Barack.’ My personal favorite, you wrote this and I don’t even know if you remember this: ‘We have the right to make mistakes just like you, moron.’ Still got it, kid, still got it.
Recently, Roseanne got in trouble for wishing cancer on Chick-fil-A customers. But you guys can all relax. If she had the power to wish cancer on anyone, I would have been dead in ’94. Is that true? You tried.
Is this really the best format to do this? To get together with your ex after years at a frickin’ roast. What is wrong with us?
Roseanne is running for president. I think politics needs someone like Rosie. Am I right? Seriously. This woman is so brave. I’d love to see Mitt Romney sit on a stage with a bunch of random, D-list celebrities, making fun of his vagina. That takes guts, man. And, you’ve got ‘em.
You know, I met Roseanne 30 years ago. Remember that? Yeah, about 30 years ago. The first time I saw you perform, I knew you were one of the greatest. And when I got offstage, you said, ‘You sure are a funny son of a b****.’ I said, “Thanks. You want to do some blow?” We stole the emcee’s car, and we disappeared for about three days — remember that? And so began, our very own white trash Camelot, for one brief shining moment.
Then, in ’85. Roseanne went on ‘Johnny Carson,’ which was every comic’s dream in 1985. She killed, he laughed his ass off, gave her the thumbs-up, and invited her to sit on the couch. She got validation from the king that can never be taken away from you.
And, I just want to say, Roseanne, you were my Johnny Carson. Thank you for the thumbs-up, and thank you for allowing me to sit on your couch for a little bit.
What do you think about Arnold’s message for his ex-wife? How do you feel about Roseanne’s feelings about ’50 Shades of Grey’?