‘The Secret Life of the American Teenager’ Summer Finale Recap: Who Died?

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ABC Family’s hit series The Secret Life of the American Teenager aired its summer finale tonight, and as usual, there was a LOT going on for our favorite teens in Valley Glen, Calif.

The theme of the episode was decisions — and not just decisions, but BIG decisions.

Note: Spoilers ahead if you haven’t watched Monday’s episode, “Half Over.”

Ricky (Daren Kagasoff), who used to be a serial polygamist, wants to marry Amy (Shailene Woodley), even though everyone already thinks they’re married (more on that strange plot later). Anyhow, he wants to do it for real this time, but he thinks that Amy wants to be single, and he tells her that he thinks she wants to move to New York to attend a school called Hudson University (note: we’ve never heard of it).

Ricky and Amy fight over a bunch of stuff—like why their son John (Joseph Levinson) has Amy’s last name instead of Ricky’s (see: fake wedding ceremony), and whether they should allow John — who’s three — to wear a costume to pre-school. They keep fighting over parenting stuff, and then Ricky reminds Amy (again) that it is her “dream” to go to Hudson University (seriously, we’re googling this school, asap!). Why does she want to go there so bad?

Later, Ben (Ken Baumann) also reminds Amy that she got into “Hudson University” and he tells her there’s a reason she didn’t marry Ricky — he thinks she’s still not over him. But Amy tells Ben it would be best if they ended all communication — texting, calling, etc, because they can’t manage to be friends… AND, guess what? Ben got into Hudson University, too! Congrats, Ben!

Still, his acceptance into this school we’ve never heard of isn’t enough to win Amy back. In fact, she tells Ben that even if she wasn’t with Ricky, she still wouldn’t get back together with him (that’s gotta hurt!)

Meanwhile, across town, everyone is worried about Jack Pappas (Greg Finley) who is unconscious after getting beaten down by a pimp. At the hospital, Grace (Megan Park) keeps asking: “He’s not gonna die, is he?” But while everyone else is busy worrying, Tom is trying to find the pimp who put Jack in critical condition, so he calls Betty (Jennifer Coolidge). He figures that since she used to be a prostitute, she probably knows all of the pimps in the world — including the pimp who put Jack in the coma and guess what? She does! Still as much as everyone talked and talked about Jack and worried about him and tried to find his attacker, we never actually see Jack in the episode, which is kind of disappointing. We like Jack. And we too are worried about him.

And we just have to point this out: When Amy tells Ben that she is planning to marry Ricky, Ben delivers one of the best lines of the night: “Just know that I’ll be at the back of the Church and that if you decide to run, I’ll be waiting for you, because you didn’t have a first wedding.” (Someone page Dustin Hoffman, we smell a Graduate remake!)

Buzz Moments

OMG!:  OK, so Tom (Luke Zimmerman), and his girlfriend Tammy (Michelle Marks ) are totes having sex, and we love it!

Thank you, TV gods: For giving us that scene between Adrian (Francia Raisa) and Omar where he draws an engagement ring around her finger using a marker. That was kind of cute… But are they really engaged? It was kind of confusing.

Awk-ward: Tom and Tammy sneaking out to have sex wins top prize!

Hotness: Daren Kagasoff looked good in the episode. As usual…

Can. Not. Wait.: The episode ended with a cliffhanger that leaves us wondering if Jack’s alive or dead. Do we seriously have to wait months to find out the answer to that question? We’ll never let go, Jack! We’ll never let go!

Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 4. This episode presented us with way too many questions and not enough answers. It also didn’t feature any of the things we love about Secret Life: A tall, lanky character dancing like a dufus in his bedroom and talking about oral sex; a character saying something incredibly weird, like, “I had incredible sex”; or Francia Raisa walking around half-naked for no reason whatsoever.

What did you think of tonight’s summer finale? Are you rooting for Ben and Amy or Amy and Ricky? Do you think Jack will make it? And more importantly, have you ever heard of Hudson University? Leave us a comment!