‘American Horror Story: Asylum’ Premiere Recap: 5 WTF Moments From ‘Welcome to Briarcliff’

Now that was a premiere!

From the dark and twisty minds of Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, comes American Horror Story: Asylum, the creative duo’s latest season of their FX anthology. And Asylum’s debut episode did not disappoint. In fact, it practically made me forget about Season 1’s horrifically epic Murder House (and Mrs. Coach!).

Whether you’re a fan of the horror genre, extraterrestrial sightings or just feel really nostalgic for your Catholic school days, Asylum’s debut episode had a little something for everyone. But there were five WTF moments that stood out above the rest as especially cray cray.

Note: Spoilers if you haven’t watched Wednesday’s premiere episode, “Welcome to Briarcliff.”

1. No, not Adam Levine!

While on their haunted honeymoon tour, modern-day couple, Leo (Levine) and Teresa (Jenna Dewan -Tatum), find themselves getting frisky in the now-abandoned Briarcliff asylum. Why, you ask? Because Teresa just so happens to be a “horror freak,” and Leo will pretty much do whatever she says as long as it means he gets some action. What happened to “Thou Shalt Not Have Sex on the Electro Shock Therapy Bed?”

That’s pretty much the basis of their relationship — and the reason why, within the first five minutes of the premiere, Adam Levine gets his arm hacked off and bleeds out on the asylum floor. Bloody Face is back, b******! And he’s coming for you next, Teresa. Too bad you can’t escape the asylum.

 2. Humans and UFOs are apparently not BFFs.

Asylum is full of crazy story lines, but by far, its most absurd (and that’s not a bad thing) is the fact that aliens exist, and they do not care about true love.

Kit’s (Evan Peters) life is turned upside down when he and his secret wife Alma are seemingly abducted by aliens. Kit gets probed and thrown back on Earth, while Alma goes M.I.A. Unfortunately for Kit, he’s branded as a notorious serial killer named Bloody Face by the media and sent to Briarcliff, where he will undergo a full psychological evaluation.

Now, Kit claims he’s innocent — it was the aliens! — while everyone else around him believes he’s the man responsible for skinning women alive, including his beloved Alma. Thankfully, Kit finds an ally in the enigmatic Grace (Lizzie Brocheré). Here’s hoping she’s not a total psycho. Although, in Briarcliff, everyone is straddling the line of sanity.

3. Dr. Arden is a monster.

Dr. Arden (James Cromwell) is no McDreamy. In fact, let’s just call him McCreepy. Not only does McCreepy torture, and subsequently kill, the patients of Briarcliff — in the name of science — but he also feeds their body parts to his hoard of flesh-eating monsters. Yikes!

The evil genius also goes head-to-head against Briarcliff’s stern Sister Jude (Jessica Lange) in an epic power struggle. Sister Jude’s methods may be tough, but if McCreepy ran the asylum, all of its patients would be nothing but lab rats. Not to mention, he’s a master at manipulation. Just ask poor Sister Eunice (Lily Rabe), who finds herself in the middle of the two bickering officials when she promises McCreepy she’ll feed the flesh-eating creatures in the middle of the night.

4. Sister Jude’s sexual fantasies.

It turns out Sister Jude has the hots for Monsignor Timothy Howard (Joseph Fiennes) — and she has the red, lacy négligée to prove it. Can you really blame her, though? He’s seriously good-looking. I, too, would fantasize about making out with him from across the table.

But does this mean Sister Jude is a cougar? Also, there has to be more to Sister Jude’s story… or do all nuns wear red nighties under their habits? If you went to Catholic school, or have any sort of insider info, please feel free to reply in the comments!

5. Wendy betrayed Lana! Seriously?!

Lana (Sarah Paulson) and Wendy (Clea Duvall) seemed like the perfect couple — until Wendy had Lana committed to Briarcliff.

When Lana, a food columnist who craves an investigative scoop, gets trapped inside Briafcliff (after getting knocked out by one of McCreepy’s creatures), Sister Jude decides to make the asylum Lana’s permanent home. That is, at least until she can “cure” Lana’s homosexuality.

But the only way to get Lana committed was to have Wendy, a “respected member of the community,” sign off on Lana’s papers. If she didn’t sign the document, Sister Jude would publicize Wendy and Lana’s “sinful” relationship. So in order to save her school teacher reputation, Wendy tearfully signs the document, leaving Lana’s fate (and sanity) in the hands of Sister Jude.

Wendy, I think you’re going to regret your decision. Karma is never fun.

Buzz Moments:

OMG!: Kit is Bloody Man?! He can’t be. I refuse to believe this. I think he was just a victim of “Wrong Place, Wrong Time” syndrome.

Awk-ward: Hooking up on the electro shock therapy chair — in an abandoned insane asylum, no less — is already slightly cringe-worthy (depending on your kink-level, I guess), but then when Adam Levine went through all of that hard work only to pull out so his wife could play ghost-chaser? Bummer.

Hotness: On the other had, a sex scene involving Adam Levine is still a TV win. Oh, and Evan Peters got shirtless and sexy too — before all of the weirdo alien stuff.

Fab-u-lous: Whether or not you agree with Sister Jude’s methods, you have to admit she’s pretty badass, especially when she stood up to mad scientist, Dr. Arden. She’s not a total b****, after all. She’s just misunderstood. Kind of like Kristen Stewart.

Can. Not. Wait.: To find out what that walking microchip device was. Does this mean the aliens weren’t a figment of Kit’s imagination? Do they actually exist? And who’s Bloody Face and why is he still alive in 2012? Oh, and can we please talk about the body part-eating creatures on Briarcliff’s estate? WTF!

Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 8 – “Welcome to Briarcliff” was a solid premiere episode, and I’m definitely hungry for more Horror, but I have to leave some room for it to get even more compelling.

American Horror Story: Asylum airs Wednesdays at 10PM ET on FX.

Watch all of our interviews from the American Horror Story: Asylum premiere below.

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