‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Crouching Tierra, Hidden Dragon (VIDEO)

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Sean Lowe and his gaggle of rabid women were back this week on ABC’s The Bachelor, and the drama kicked off almost immediately — Lesley H (whose mouth is so big I bet she could stuff her whole fist in there as a party trick, amirite?!) was in tears two minutes into the episode after Selma received the first one-on-one date.

Sean whisked Sel off to rock climb in Joshua Tree, but she could’ve easily been on a date with a mirror. In between her constant complains about the heat/heights/shoes, her humble bragging that people only see her as a pretty face (false) and oh-so-casually mentioned that she (allegedly) weighs 110 pounds.

After scrambling around a mountainside, they dined in a kitschy cute trailer park. And while the sexual tension simmered, Selma refused to kiss Sean because her strict Muslim mom wouldn’t approve. Born-again virgin Sean was frustrated/delighted/actually bought this hot sack of faux-prude crap and declared Selma as possibly the one, presenting her with a rose.

For the group date, Sean assembled the crazies (Tierra, wedding dress Lindsay) and the bitches (Crazy-eyed Amanda, who I swear grew more teeth over night) for a roller derby battle. But before the game could even start, the sweet gods of Karma stepped in. Amanda took a tumble and (fingers crossed!) broke her jaw, ditching the event for the doc’s office.

Rather than see his beauties deformed, Sean wisely decided to turn the day into an easy breezy skating party instead.

At the after-date, Amanda declared that she had no shame in playing the sympathy card to win a rose, but Tierra had other schemes, namely stalking out of the date — or pretending to — while Sean was Frenching Lindsay. Crouching in the dark like some deranged possum, Tierra pounced on Sean the second he was in her sights, trying her best to whip up some fake tears and whimpering about the “torture” of being on The Bachelor.

INFURIATINGLY, Sean nipped off to get a rose, and that little gremlin just smirked and chuckled at the success of her own machinations. Now, I know what it’s like when nice guys see girls with douches. Now, I know.

Next it was Lesley H.’s turn for a one-on-one date. And within two minutes, she’d said, “Holy moly!” twice. Sigh. Sean took her for a Pretty Woman-esque shopping spree on Rodeo Drive where she scooped up a Badgley & Mischka dress and 120 carat diamond necklace. Bitch.

But Lesley’s bling dream came to a screeching halt over dinner when Sean admitted that he felt zero romantic spark. And before she’d even finished chewing, Sean had shuffled her into the limo home. He even took back the necklace. Bitch.

In the pre-rose ceremony Sean swap, Robyn unleashed some bizarre “Do ya like tha chocolate!?” pick up line as Tierra pulled Robyn and Jackie aside and pretend apologized for her shade-throwing behavior during the group date.

Shockingly — and fabulously — it was psycho Amanda who got the boot and I think I speak for all of America when I say I am surprised and relieved that she didn’t try to bite him on her way out the door. She just seems that way.

Do you think Sean should’ve sent Robyn or Daniella packing instead?

Tune in next week when the crew jets off for a two-day Bachelor adventure — and Tierra gets hypothermia! Maybe dreams do come true…

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