'The Bachelor' Recap: Sean Farms Out His Dates

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The Bachelor SEAN LOWE CATHERINE LESLEY M
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This week on ABC's The Bachelor, Sean whisked the ladies away to a Whitefish, Mont. (??) where he made subconscious sexual references to the local landscape (“Tall mountains,” “deep lakes”--we get it bro).

The girls learned that there would be a solo date, a group date and then a two-on-one date (I’d usually call that a threesome, but our pure little Sean would be hard pressed to handle one “deep lake,” let alone two) with Wedding Dress Lindsay earning the first one-on-one outing.

They had some picnic/concert/makeout session -- honestly their date was so whateverish, it was like a blank piece of paper taped to a white wall in a sanitary room. But, she earned a rose, so... yeah.

For the group date, Sean dragged these women, none of whom look like they could go four days without a manicure or blowout, to some goat milk-drinking challenge/hay bale hauling race. I’m not sure what Sean even does for a living, but unless he’s the Brawny paper towel man he needs to cool it on the physical challenges. This isn’t DoubleDare. Does he really need a woman who can saw through a log and milk a goat in 30 seconds? Just how big is his “tall mountain”?

Whichever team that won essentially didn’t matter because Sean’s Catholic guilt took over and ended up inviting the losing team to hang out anyway. As if that weren’t irritating enough for the women, Lunatic Tierra (as she is heretofore known) decided again that she “needed to know where Sean’s head is at” and crept down to his shooting location like a friggin’ gremlin to “surprise” him.

If Tierra ever tried to surprise me, I’d instinctively beat her to death with a frying pan. She’s secondly just.... I mean... I can’t even with her.

She slithered up behind him, wrapping her stumpy little hands around his eyes until he nearly had a panic attack, then told him she was a “real person” and “very sensitive” (to sunlight, because she’s a monster?) and was offended she was given the 2-on-1 date with Jackie.

During their awkward trio date on horseback, Jackie pulled Sean aside to tattle about Tierra’s bizarre behavior. But in the end, Tierra’s (insanely phoney) sob story about her dead druggie ex won her the rose.

SEAN, are you serious with this? DO NOT BE SHOCKED WHEN YOU WAKE UP WITH THE CROTCHES CUT OUT OF ALL YOUR PANTS ONE DAY.

Tierra cackled with sociopathic delight when she remembered poor Jackie’s anguished tears as she left.

During the pre-rose ceremony mixer, Robyn was so fed up with Tierra’s baloney that she hilariously threatened to “make this the Bad Girls Club” and confronted the stumpy psycho about her two-faced behavior.

Tierra then unleashed a rambling tirade of unrelated statements -- ”I am a Scorpio, I do bite!," “I don’t even care anymore!," ”If I wanted to get engaged, I could get engaged -- there are plenty of f---ing guys in the world.” But, Sean happened to walk through and caught Tierra mid-rant.

In the end, Sean took the easy way out and continued his streak of voting out the ethnic chicks -- bye Robyn! :( -- with a hollow “Best of luck, OK?”

Hopefully, now that he’s out of black girls to oust, Sean will actually cowboy the F up and start nixing the crazies.

On Monday's episode, the girls reach the boiling point with Tierra and Sean begins to catch on (mildly, I mean he is kind of a simpleton) to her machinations. And WTF is that finale letter that he receives?! Any guesses who may have broken his heart at the last second -- or is this a red herring?

Buzz Moments

OMG!: Did Tierra really amble down to interrupt her “husband” Sean’s group date on her short little weiner-dog legs?!

Thank you, TV gods.: A group of high maintenance girls awkwardly yanking on a goat's udders and chugging the milk? Why yes, thank you.

Awk-ward: Tierra and Jackie’s gag-inducingly uncomfortable dinner a deux with Sean. They just kept asking how each other’s fish was. I mean...

Hotness: Despite the episode’s lack of Sean nipple action, he managed to look pretty damn sexy riding around on a horse. Maybe, they can teach him something about rhythm...

Fab-u-lous: Was I the only one who kind of loved Sean's popped collar, half-zip sweater? Rawr!

Can. Not. Wait.: Will Sean eventually see through Tierra’s antics? Or do men really love crazy bitches?

Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 7. This week was light on drama and the rose ceremony results were predictable, but it tees up a hell of a next episode -- and potentially epic season!

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