‘Bachelor’ Recap: Tierra’s Down, but Not Out

'Bachelor' Milks It
Sean Lowe farms out his dates.
Here ye, here ye — I hereby endorse Bachelor contestant Lesley as my pick for Sean Lowe, because she has introduced me to to my new favorite word: Tierr-orist.

You know, I’m starting to wonder if Sean thinks he’s actually on Survivor...? Or, he’s planning on living some Ruby Ridge survivalist lifestyle with his potential wife, thus making all of these dreadful physical challenges necessary. Someone should ask him how he feels about paying taxes…

On this week’s extra episode, Sean dragged the girls to Lake Louise, Canada. I don’t think we can use the term “whisked” for such an un-fun trip to the freezing Northern.

Catherine earned the first solo date, and put on a happy face during their incredibly lame date on a glacier (I mean, somersaults?) and earned a rose after her telling her sob story about a friend at summer camp getting killed by a tree.

But the group date was the real highlight of the episode: Sean and the women canoed to a desolate beach where they were asked/forced to do a Polar Bear plunge into the lake’s freezing cold waters.

Props to Selma for flat out refusing to do this ridiculous, awful activity — they didn’t even have any apres-cocoa set up for them! NAH BRO.

The other girls, bafflingly, did go for a dunk in the 30 degree water and OF COURSE, Tierra used it as an opportunity to fake hypothermia — what’s the over/under that she nipped off beforehand to Google the symptoms?

Later that night, after hamming it up with an oxygen tank in her room, Tierra “pulled through” and joined the others on the date. But despite her best attention-whoring efforts, Lesley earned the rose. The best part of that moment — maybe the entire series — was BY FAR Tierra’s frozen, expectant smile fading into psychotic rage.

Unfortunately, things didn’t come up roses for One-Armed Sarah. After her weird, boring “gift” to Sean — old family photos of herself, as if anyone gives any f–ks — he realized she wasn’t the one and sent her home early!

Desiree, whose previous one-on-one date entailed her being punk’d at an art gallery, was again subjected to Sean’s “surprises,” this time repelling down a mountain to some janky picnic. If you ask me, Sean is the only repelling thing on that date ZING!

During the pre-rose ceremony mixer, AshLee trotted out a scarf to symbolize her… abandonment … somethingerother. Honestly, the metaphor kind of got away from her and morphed into some strange Fifty Shades of Grey-type of situation where she blindfolded herself and let him lead her around. Apparently, though, the tactic worked, because she earned a rose at the ceremony. Not so lucky was Selma, who went against her (made up on the spot) scruples and granted him a kiss, but it couldn’t save her from being shown the limo home.

In the end, Selma and “Oh, I Forgot You Were There!” Daniella got the boot, and Sean revealed that next week’s adventure would be warmer — in St. Croix! — but previews hinted that the women would be once again under attack from a Teirr-orist.

Buzz Moments

OMG!: Did Sean really make his potential wife (all eight of them) go for a swim in a freezing lake?

Thank you, TV gods.: Sean’s horrendous crocheted sweater during his date with Desi finally let his inherent lameness shine through. It’s about time.

Awk-ward: Sarah presenting Sean with a “gift” — pictures of herself as a child. Umm…what, no old tax returns to show him?

Hotness: Potential shrinkage aside, Sean looked super sexy stripped down, wet and shivering.

Fab-u-lous: Lesley’s bikini body. Damn gurl, who knew political chicks were so hot??

Can. Not. Wait.: For perfectly perfect AshLee to flip out on Tierra next episode. I hope someone’s clip-in extensions get pulled out.

Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 8. Finally the dead weight — Selma and Daniella — have been unloaded and Sean can get down to business choosing his wife… and then immediately getting sick of her.

Where’s Seal Team Six when you need them?

Celebuzz Single Player No Autoplay (CORE)
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