'Kourtney & Kim Take Miami' Recap: Kim Picks Kanye Over Kardashian Bonding

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'KKTM': Dragon Boatin'
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This week on E!'s Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, I learned yet another terrifying fact about motherhood: Sometimes you may be required to whip out your bosom, hoist yourself over your newborn child and lower it onto their face -- in a moving car. I think Kim Kardashian’s face in that scene summed it up.

Surely, this was doubly awful for Kourtney Kardashian because her daughter Penelope looks like father Robert Kardashian’s ghost reincarnated. I mean, I know all babies kinda look like old men for a while, but Nellie is, like... woah.

Boobs and babies aside, the majority of the clan -- Kylie Jenner, Kris Jenner, Bruce Jenner and his son and daughter-in-law, Brandon and Leah - -came together in Miami to participate in Kim’s newest obsession: a dragon boat race.

Bruce, the world’s fastest athlete or whatever the hell he used to be, was all about anything even remotely competitive (I wouldn’t even play Yahtzee with this man unless absolutely forced), but Scott had other opinions, insisting that he “doesn’t do boats without motors.” Who can blame him? Why row when you can speed?

Bruce tried to shame Scott into participating, but quickly realized that you can’t guilt a sociopath into anything and gave up, as Scott high-tailed it to Vegas for an appearance. Ha. Haaa. Haaahahahah! I’m sorry, but do people seriously pay him to show up to places? Like, for real? LOLZ.

Anyway. Kim’s attempt to be “team captain” of The Great Dragon Boat Fiasco of 2013 didn’t go over well with Bruce, who reminded her at every turn that he was the sportsman, he knew how to prepare for a race and he didn’t need no stinkin’ Pilates ring to stretch out his goddamn legs.

So yeah, things were going great.

In between all the row over rowing (see what I did there?), Kourtney suspected that Leah and Brandon were keeping a secret -- her pregnancy! But, Leah’s nausea could’ve easily just had been the flu or allergies to hair extensions and trophy kittens -- that can happen around the Kardashians.

But then, Kimmy dropped a bombshell: She was ditching the race to see Kanye. ?!?!? KIM SRSLY? While the rest of the fam was aghast at her blatant prioritization (K.West > K.Jenner), Bruce was psyched to seize control and hold on with a white-knuckled tyranny that would make Hitler wince. He refused to let Kim rejoin the race -- ’Ye apparently had a douche convention to attend, perhaps be keynote speaker -- so the remaining clan hit the water.

BUT THEN OMG! Kim rolls in with her own new crew, Team Dash, a rag-tag group of rowing mercenaries including trainer Harley Pasternak and Scott’s dbag BFF Dalton.

I’ll spare you the details (except -- did anyone else notice Kylie’s YOLO hat? Ugh) but Adolf Jenner, er sorry, Bruce and his team beat out Team Dash. It was a win that will no doubt be retold, with increasing grandeur, for years to come around the Thanksgiving table. By Bruce.

Later that night, Kourtney blew up Leah’s spot, yelling at her for drinking because HELLO LEAH YOU’RE PREGNANT. Except that she wasn’t. Awkwarrrrrd.

At least she didn’t stick her nipple in Leah’s face. Yet.

Buzz moments

OMG!: Kim’s butt in those workout pants? DAMN GINA.

Thank you, TV gods.: Scott says what we’re all thinking: Sometimes, he just wants to be where the Kardashians are not.

Awk-ward: Kourtney + car + breastfeeding :/

Hotness: How much were you lusting over Leah’s long shiny blonde hair and pin thin body? Bitch.

Fab-u-lous: Kim’s black peplum dress was the sickest outfit of the episode!

Can. Not. Wait.: To see just how fat Rob Kardashian has gotten after his breakup with Rita Ora.

Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 6. As thrilling as boat races are, this episode was low on glamour and drama, high on (even more) baby talk and general whateverishness.

Are you tired of hearing about babies and pregnancy (as I am)? Do you miss Kourt and Kim’s wild days as single, childless starlets? Has Scott become the most interesting thing on KKTM?

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