'Bachelor' Recap: Sean Gets A Sisterly Assist

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'Bachelor': Tierra-rist
Bachelor SEAN LOWE, SARAH, TIERRA
The house villain is down, but not out. Read More »

If you watched the latest episode of ABC's The Bachelor, then the world seems a little better and safer for all of us, doesn’t it? If you haven’t yet seen it, keep reading. :)

The date began with a one-on-one with AshLee, who showed off her flawless body during their Catamaran jaunt, but then erased most of that sexual fervor by YET AGAIN turning their time into a Dr. Phil special. This time she dropped the bomb that she was married before... in high school... and divorced by Senior Prom.

Ladies, if you want to see what pure uncut judgement and horror looks like on a man’s face, by all means, rewatch that scene. Sean Lowemay be the King of Pecs, but the King of Disguising His Feelings he ain’t.

AshLee also tattled about Tierra’s antics -- at Sean’s urging -- but who can blame her?

Then, onto the group date, aka Sean’s Draconian Tests, Part 87. Knowing how much women hate to 1.) have someone storm into their sleeping quarters at 4AM, 2.) be woken up by their crush when they have morning breath and no makeup, and 3.) have it all captured on film, Sean combined all three, rousing Desiree, Lindsay and Catherine for their group outing.

Hey Sean, you know what men hate? Prostate exams. I’ll be sure to pass that tidbit along to whomever is the next Bachelorette.

Sean took the women to watch the sunrise (lame, you should only see sunrise if you’re staggering home from a club in Vegas, everyone knows that), followed by a cross-island road trip where they stopped at such mind-numbing sights as an old sugar mill and a lean-to shelter picnic on the beach. They should just be thankful they didn’t have to push the Jeep or fix its transmission.

Catherine opened up about her jerky dad and all Sean could manage was yet another “Thank you for telling me that.” Sean. Bro. C’mon. That’s what my plumber said when I admitted that my sink was clogged, because I tried to stuff my ex boyfriend’s picture down it.

In the end, Wedding Dress Lindsay earned a rose, guaranteeing her a hometown date. Probably just out of curiosity -- can you imagine the type of people who encouraged that first impression decorum?

Lesley’s solo date was next and Sean threw me for a loop by confessing that he wasn’t feeling that strongly about her. ??!?! Truthfully, she seems a little too smart and sassy for Sean, who would probably be content with a sweet simpleton like Des or AshLee.

Sean’s sister Shay arrived to help him sort out his feelings, while back at the hotel Tierra and AshLee WENT. AT. IT. The Tierr-orist couldn’t admit that she’s rude/snide/two-faced and instead trotted out a few amazing, irrefutable arguments:

“My parents said, Tierra, you have a sparkle. Do not let the other women take that away from you.”

“I cannot control my eyebrows -- I CAN NOT.”

“Men love me.”

Delightfully, Sean walked right into the center of Hurricane Dented Forehead, full of loud blubbery “mmmmuuu-hu-hu-hu” sobs --and yet no tears, anyone notice that? And, Sean was over it.

What he did next will surely reverberate through the annals of history -- HE SENT TIERRA HOME.

Her parting words/sobs summed her behavior up best: “I can’t believe they did this to me!”

(Still no actual tears)

Sean skipped the cocktail party and headed straight into the tense rose ceremony, which turned out poorly for...

LESLEY!

Did anyone see that coming? I figured Catherine would get the boot. But in the end, depressingly, unless a girl gushes and coos her undying love -- with no promise of him returning the sentiment -- she’s out.

But, Lesley is strong and spunky (not like Tierra thinks she is, but like, for real) and she will rise from the ashes. She’s a political chick -- she can roll with the punches. Maybe Barack and Michelle can set her up.

Buzz Moments

OMG!: Lesley got the boot?! Do you think Sean made the right call?

Thank you, TV gods.: Tierra is gone, Tierra is gone, thanks God almighty, Tierra is gone!

Awk-ward: Catherine crying when Lesley left? What was that about? (hint: it rhymes with “mesbian”)

Hotness: Lesley’s abs, AshLee’s butt (and boobs, which are probably fake but I don’t even care).

Fab-u-lous: AshLee’s yellow rose ceremony dress -- the perfect mix of summery and casual, yet sexy and hot!

Can. Not. Wait.: To watch Des’ douchey brother get into a shouting match with Sean. YES.

Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 9. Without an engagement ring getting whipped out, this was Bachelor drama at its finest -- catfights, bikinis, tears and, of course, Sean’s ubiquitous pecs.

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  • Tess
    Tess

    Hillarious!

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