'Kourtney & Kim Take Miami' Recap: Scott Is A Romantic Fail

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When you have a backside as big as Kim Kardashian’s, the concept of butting out can be a hard one to grasp.

On Sunday's Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, KK meddled in every possible situation she encountered from Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick's waning romance -- but sadly not that turban Kourt insisted upon wearing, yikes -- to Jonathan “Why Is He On This Show?” Cheban and Simon “He’s So Cute, So Unfair He’s Gay” Huck's business fallout.

The marginally-more-interesting-than-last week drama began with Scott whining that Kourtney never wants to hang out with him. And Kim immediately told her big sis that if she wasn’t careful, Scott was going to cheat on her and leave her. Was I the only one who LOL’d at the idea that Scott hasn’t already cheated?? I mean... child, please.

Kim also stuck her perfectly rhinoplasty’d nose in betwixt the Jonathan and Simon, who have some sort of PR falling out something something outgrown their mentor blah blah “I’m focusing on Sushi Mi Casa.” I couldn’t possibly care less about this plotline, even if they... no I’m sorry -- I can’t think of anything that would make me care. Ever.

Kim apparently didn’t either,  because she was completely useless during her peace summit between J and S, giggling lamely as they went for each other’s jugular. P.S. did anyone else notice that Scott and Kourtney were wearing the same outfit? I love chambray as much as the next girl -- don’t need my BF to match me, though.

Meanwhile, Kourtney stealthily planned a Paris getaway for her and Scott -- and of course their children, sigh -- but is nettled when she invites another couple. And their kid. Weeeeee!

In the end, Kourt fake cries and confronts Scott when he stands her up for their date at the love bridge (where, instead of adding a padlock with their name to the bridge, she adorably/pathetically makes one with Mason). And once again, New Scott cowers and offers slobbering apologies rather than put his fist through something, max out her black AmEx and bone a bottle waitress, as Old Scott would’ve done. Sigh. How I miss those days.

Buzz Moments

OMG!: Was that... a turban?? Why Kourtney WHY?

Thank you, TV gods.: Actually thank you, SIMON, for calling out Jonathan on his “What exactly do you do for a living?” baloney.

Awk-ward: Kim’s phonecall with her friend Karen at the episode’s start. Am I the only one who suspects that this was a scene shot after her pregnancy, lest E! capture her waffling about her future with Kanye now that they’re expecting a little swagger monster?

Hotness: A shirtless, tan Scott lounging in bed, pretending to listen to Kourtney. I’m sure he was just as amused and delighted by his own naked torso as I was. I need to get laid more.

Fab-u-lous: Kim’s woven/diamondy collar necklace she wore during the Jon/Simon showdown. Loved it!

Can. Not. Wait.: Scott calls Kourtney fat?! OMFG, YES FINALLY, Old Scott returns! And he’s got a scale and body fat calipers!

Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 8. Keep in mind that an 8 for this show is like a 3 for The Bachelor. This is the perfect series for someone with a heart condition who must not be shocked, excited or otherwise overly entertained.

Kim stirs up trouble for Kourtney and Scott -- watch below.

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  • Jackie
    Jackie

    Shallon Lester, you're my favorite :D