'Bachelor: The Women Tell All' Recap: Here's Rolling Our Eyes At You, Tierra

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On Monday night, America found out the answer to a question on every citizen’s mind for the last few weeks: Has Tierra lost her sparkle?!?!? The highly-anticipated Women Tell All episode of The Bachelor did not disappoint, offering tears, teeth that needed some serious whitening (DEZ) and, of course, a Tierra-rist attack.

Before the women could individually boo hoo about Sean Lowe’s rejection, the girls unleashed a bitchfest about Tierra as she lurked backstage hosing herself down with 78 spritzes of Gucci perfume. Lesley slammed Tierra as having “no sparkle” and said she was a big fat faker when it came to all of her many maladies and meltdowns.

At last, Little Miss "I Can’t Control My Eyebrow" pranced onstage and launched into the most bizarre diatribe I’ve ever heard. Even though you probably watched it, here it is verbatim. Bask in it’s nonsensical glory:

“It’s difficult for me because I light up in a room, especially with people I’m comfortable with. And when I walk into a room I bring this joy and this smile and I’m happy but with people that immediately judge me and don’t give me a chance to have that light and to show my personality, they immediately judge me based off of what I look like instead of the inner person, the heart I have, the good family I come from and all my morals that I have, as well.”

Ms. Licausi, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Even when Chris Harrison gave her the chance to apologize, she scoured her little reptile brain full of sparkle and eyebrow pencil and declared herself to be innocent. But the girls kept hammering her, refusing to let her circular nonsense slide by, until Tierra made the grave mistake of calling AshLee a bully.

Hear that? It’s the ominous crinkle of a can of whoop ass being opened. AshLee and her flawless ombre flipped out, and found support from Selma and Lesley, who agreed that Ash wasn’t a bully (OMFG, can we overuse that word any more?!) and that Tierra got what she had coming.

SIDE NOTE: Someone actually proposed marriage to Tierra? Like, on purpose? And why is she coy about when she got engaged? And WHY did she refer to herself in third person?

At long last, Tierra slunk back off to her (possibly fictitious) fiance and the girls turned their ire to Sean.

One-Armed Sarah blubbered about losing Sean and it even put a sad little lump in my cold, black, booze-filled New York soul. Breaks my heart to hear her say that while she thinks she’s great/funny/awesome, guys don’t seem to agree and she blames her handicap.

:(

Yellow-toothed Dez seemed similarly baffled by her dismissal, but AshLee didn’t waste time wallowing -- she blasted Sean as a “frat boy” and a phony baloney.

But Sean didn’t censor himself either, basically saying that AshLee was too much of an emo mess and that the other girls were more fun. Maybe she was right -- is he just an overgrown fratty who wants to chuckle through life with an equally doofy wife?

If he is, he’s got two great doofs to choose from, Catherine and Lindsay, who are both up for the big prize: a born-again virgin who owns a furniture store in Texas and sells insurance.

I guess all the good ones really are taken, eh ladies?

Buzz Moments

OMG!: Did Sean really say there was “nothing between” him and the other two girls?? Or is AshLee delusional?

Thank you, TV gods.: For the bloopers! Mostly for that last pec shot... SIGH.

Awk-ward: Sarah trying to clap... with one arm.

Hotness: Every girl on stage besides Tierra. Even Chris Harrison has more femininity.

Fab-u-lous: Ashlee, from top to toe. In love with her ombre hair, the Leger dress (even if it is a knockoff) and her breast implants that seem to have finally settled. Perfection!

Can. Not. Wait.: WHO IS HE GONNA PICK?! #pleasenotCatherine

Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 10. Yes, this episode was basically Bachelor perfection. Fights, drama AND bloopers?

Do you agree or is there always room for improvement with Sean Lowe?

Watch AshLee's goodbye again below.

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