‘Kourtney & Kim Take Miami’ Recap: Scott Could Use A Little Less Kourtney

'KKTM': No-Mance
Scott is a romantic fail.
Kim Kardashian’s haters may want to see her covered in her own blood, moaning in pain, and and on Sunday’s episode of Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, they got their wish — kind of. This week’s episode began with KK getting some weird vampire facial, but that’s not half as questionable as the city of North Miami allowing the crime-obsessed Kim to partake in a police ride-along.

Confused? Yeah join the club, this episode makes basically no sense. And neither does Scott Disick’s decision to tell Kourtney Kardashian that she’s a liiiiiiiitle fat and taking a liiiiiiitle too long to lose the baby weight and he’s a liiiiiiitle not OK with it.

Speaking of dead weight, can we PLEASE cut Jonathan Cheban’sscreen time down to, oh I don’t know, NOTHING? I’d rather see a cactus at Kim’s side. But at least we weren’t treated to a full 10 minute segment of him trying to get something out of his eye. I’d LOVE to hear how E! pitched that scene. “So then, it’ll be like sand or something — no no, a rock! And then Kim will have eye drops. Eye drops!!!!”


Kim’s ride-along was significantly more interesting. She rolled up to an actual shooting (or a drug thing or something) — can you imagine calling the cops and having Kim Kardashian arrive? — and the show quickly turned into an episode of Cops. Kris Jenner, if you’re reading this, I have six words for you: “The Kardashians: Keeping Up With Krime.” Think about it.

Fueled by her drive-thru hot fudge sunday and small fries (really Kim?) she decided to take her police work further by joining Jake, a real life P.I. who clearly dyes his eyebrows and Fu-Manchu goatee — which is strange. But, he brought a bunch of cool spy stuff (a periscope video camera?! WANT!) and tried to help him solve the case of a missing 15-year-old girl. I’m sure the family was greatly comforted that Detective Jiggles was on the case.

Anyway, back to Scott’s eye and Kourt’s weight, which SD continued to harp on. At 115 lbs (granted she’s about 5-foot-nothing) Scott declared her wayyyyyyy heavier than when they met, musing that “93 pounds is the dream.”

NINTEY THREE POUNDS. Unless I move to Jupiter, I will never weigh 93 pounds.

Again, Scott tried to say that this was all really Kourt’s idea and he was merely trying to be a motivator and supportive. So, I guess it was karma that Scott’s eye was so scratched from this rock (as if anyone cares) that he needed an eye patch, which he happily trotted around town. Did anyone else think he seemed outrageously coked out in that scene where he showed off the LD patch to his friends?

YEAH I WENT THERE. How else should America react to someone who says “[Lose weight] the healthy way — just do it faster! You’re my piece of machinery,” to the mother of his children?

The episode wrapped up with Kourtney in a bathing suit (one piece, womp womp) and Kim kind-of-not-really cracking the case –unfortunately, Fara has yet to be recovered and Kim has yet to be made head of the CIA.

Buzz Moments

OMG!: I mean SERIOUSLY 93 pounds? Way harsh brah, way harsh.

Thank you, TV gods.: Evil Scott has returned! A Disick without blatant insults to Kourtney and some ridiculous accessory, the world just didn’t feel right.

Awk-ward: Kim prancing into the home of a family who is desperately searching for their daughter. Maybe, they were too blinded by the patriarch’s gold teeth to notice.

Hotness: Scott was kind of sexy in that charcoal suit and eyepatch… right? Maybe only because it obscured half of his face.

Fab-u-lous: “There is nothing more I love in life than to spy on people.” Aaaand, this is why we love Kim.

Can. Not. Wait.: Kourt and Kim’s xxxxtreeeeeme speed walking contest!!!! Don’t watch if you have heart problems — the excitement might be too much!!!!!!!

Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 8. Fat shaming and kidnapping pimps? I guess this as exciting as the season is going to get.

Watch again below: Kourtney weighs herself.

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