'The Bachelor' Season Finale Recap: Sean Lowe Picks His Girl

Plus, ABC names Desiree Hartsock as its next Bachelorette.

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Monday was the day we -- nay, America -- has been waiting for: Sean Lowe finally chooses a wife on ABC's The Bachelor. Will it be "Probably Not That Into Him" Catherine? Or "Kinda Spazzy" Lindsay?

Spoiler alert! Spoilers ahead! LITERALLY NOTHING BUT SPOILERS IN THIS BLOG!

The final journey begins in Thailand, where Sean’s parents arrived to meet/greet/judge the ladies. Lindsay seemed to mesh better with the family than Catherine the Whateverish, winning Big Daddy Lowe over when she dropped the “marriage takes prayer” comment. Well played, Lindsay... well played, indeed.

Unhelpfully, the family didn’t fully endorse one over the other -- thanks for f-ing nothing, you guys. In fact, Mama Lowe urged her son to pump the brakes and not propose to either. DOES SHE NOT KNOW HOW REALITY TV WORKS? Get onboard, Sherry.

Next, was one more last date with each lady, followed by lots of long wistful shots of Sean gazing pensively into the Thai sunset whilst massaging his pecs. At last, Sean declares that he has made up his mind! The inexplicably creepy Neil Lane arrives and Sean picks out the ring, more pecs, more wistful shots and then...

IT WAS TIME! Lindsay arrived first, ambling awkwardly over the rope bridge and through the Malaria-infested jungle to Sean who... DUMPED HER. OMFG you guyz, srsly.

You could actually pinpoint the moment it dawned on her that he didn’t choose her. Absolutely awful. Even worse, he just kept on talking, babbling that it’s important she she knew how hard it was for HIM. Uh, because it’s all about you Sean? Not her, right? You.

But, Linds handled it like a lady -- no histrionics or ugly crying. Lindsay, if you ever want to be set up with a New York finance douche, I got you.

BUT, OMFG THE DRAMA WASN’T OVER!

Chris Harrison, who is essentially the angel of death, then descended with a letter for Sean from Catherine. But -- phew! -- it was just a red herring. She wasn’t actually dumping him/fulfilling his karmic destiny for ditching Lindsay, although that double-voiceover letter read need not have happened. #justsayin’

Catherine arrived and, just like Lindsay, you could see the exact second she realized what was happening. Joy! Happiness! Sweat-palmed delight!

This proposal was so sweet and genuine and Catherine seems so completely overwhelmed by Sean’s love that even I, black-hearted Manhattan glamourpuss Shallon Lester, teared up. It was probably just something in my eye, though. Totes, not emotion.

The pair then rode off into the sunset -- literally -- via elephant, all the while Catherine gushing “Oh my gosh, oh my GOSH!” She honestly said it 54 times, I had to mute the TV.

But wait! There’s more! Just like the promises of an infomercial, the excitement kept on coming on “After The Final Rose.”

Lindsay’s return was one of the sanest ever. She seemed strong and sweet and I know she was trying hard to be happy for him but UM HELLO who is actually happy for their ex when they’re with someone else? Not me. Not f-ing me, son.

Bride-to-be Catherine then emerged, incandescently happy and thank GOD someone put some Moroccan oil or something on her hair. #frizzease The pair announced that they’ll wed on TV and I must say by the end of all this I do believe that Catherine and Sean will go the distance . Quite frankly, I don’t think either one is interesting enough to cheat or spark any sort of scandal. Do you?

What are your overall thoughts about this season of The Bachelor? Will you miss seeing Sean’s pecs every week and obviously my stellar recaps? I know, try to pick up the pieces and move on. About me, not Sean.

Buzz Moments

OMG!: Desiree is the new Bachelorette?! I thought for sure it’d be AshLee. Did you?

Thank you, TV gods.: For the end of the Reign of Tierra and her Evil Sparkle-brow!

Awk-ward: Lindsay listening with rapt delight as Sean listed her qualities in the finale... then dropped the worst word ever: BUT.

Hotness: The last pec shot we shall see from our fair Sean. Fare thee well, pecs of steel!

Fab-u-lous: Neil Lane is weird, but DAMN that ring! Sean has some decent taste.

Can. Not. Wait.: For Dez’s potential suitors to meet her crazy brother.

Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 10! 11! No, 12! 18! Eleventy billion!

Did your girl get the supreme prize of Sean and his pecs? Sound off below.

Watch what Sean escaped below.

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