Star Magazine Wants You to Think Anne Hathaway is Ditching Her Ugly, Old Dog for a Shiny, New One

If Star magazine is to be believed (it isn’t), Anne Hathaway has decided it’s time to trade in her gross, old labrador for a newer, younger model. The report is obviously fake, but it contains an almost Onion-esque level of meta-narrative, in which fiction speaks louder about the true nature of things than reality.

Hathaway “wants to replace her faithful Labrador, Esmeralda, because the pup isn’t hip enough for Hollywood!” the magazine exclaims. A source continues: “Anne really wants a ‘stylish young puppy’ she can play and interact with. She says she just can’t bond with a dog that’s half dead.”

This report cuts to the core of the Oscar winner’s likability problem. She appears at every minute to be performing, shaping a carefully protected image modeled after the girl who sits at the front of the classroom, always raises her hand and wants everyone to like her. Sure, celebrities have done some crazy things for their public persona, but leaving Esmerelda the dumpy Labrador at a bus stop in favor of something that fits in a Louis Vuitton tote? That’s a new game altogether.

We’ll leave you with this choice quote from Star’s source: “It’s not quite the glamorous look she’s going for now that she’s won an Oscar. It just shows how out of touch Anne is getting. Friends think it’s horrifically sad and worry that her obsession with her image is taking over everything — even her humanity.”