‘Downton Abbey’ To Launch its Own Clothing Line

If you’re anything like me, you can’t dine like the Dowager Countess, you can’t drink like the Dowager Countess and you most certainly can’t get away with talking like the Dowager Countess, but soon you’ll be able to dress like her.

The executive producer for unlikely international hit Downton Abbey Gareth Neame tells CNBC the show will soon be releasing a line of branded products including “fashion, apparel and homeware and furniture to wallpapers, beauty products and stationary.”

So what exactly does this mean? The characters on Downton Abbey lived in Edwardian England without the comforts of air conditioning and the internet. Modern Americans are brats, what could the cast of Downton possibly have to offer us that’s better than our Twitter feeds and skinny jeans?

As for fashion and apparel, the Washington Post has written about subtle ways in which the show has influenced fashion designers this year. Certainly formalwear accessories from the show like cravats, cufflinks or Martha’s elaborate headwear could be popular amongst fans, but good luck to the marketing company stuck with the task of convincing teen girls that corsets and hoop skirts are cool again. Homeware could be popular as well, eating Chinese takeout off Downton china sounds like a marvelous way to make a Tuesday night fancy.

It’s the beauty products that are concerning. Turn-of-the-century Brits weren’t necessarily known for their hygiene. What is the company imagining? Downton toothpaste made of salt and water? Lady Edith’s influenza death stench-masking posies? Just buy some Crest and Febreze and call it a day.

One product they aren’t suggesting that’s sure to be a winner: a Mr. Pamuk-branded line of bedroom accessories. Imagine the slogan, “the personal massager so good it causes cardiac arrest.” Now that’s sure to be a hit.