Good Luck, Eva Longoria, Just Having a Masters Degree Doesn’t Guarantee You a Job Anymore

Congratulations to Eva Longoria, who received a masters degree in Chicano studies yesterday from California State University Northridge. We’re sure the last three years of college were fun, Eva, all late night pizza runs and last minute wire transfers from your parents before rent is due, but now you’re in the real world and it’s time for the cold hard truth.

There Are No Jobs

This year, college graduates are competing with the classes of 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012, many of whom are still struggling to find work. Additionally, many colleges this year boasted their largest graduating classes ever, meaning there is an historically large pool of graduates all seeking the same jobs. Unfortunately, employers reportedly “plan to hire only 2.1 percent more new college graduates this year than in 2012.” Basically there are more college graduates than ever and they’re all competing for a very small amount of entry-level positions.

Everyone Hates You

Being a new college graduate makes you a millennial. This means that everyone hates you. A generation of people who have racked up an unprecedented amount of debt, as well as nearly allowing for the complete collapse of America’s banking industry has decided that you and your peers are the worst of the human species. Unfortunately, they are the ones who are hiring you at the job you’re over-qualified for, so when they tell you how worthless millennials are, all you can do is smile and nod.

You’re Probably Going to Have to Move Back in With Your Parents

A recent study suggests that 85% of all recent graduates have to move back in with their parents. Sorry, Eva, I know all the independence of college has been fun but chances are you’re going to have to move back home. Maybe your parents are #chill and not #buzzkills, but chances are you can look forward to more fights about curfews and being home every night for family dinner. I’m a grown woman, MOM! you’ll yell, to which she’ll respond, You’re living in MY HOME, young lady, and as long as you’re under MY ROOF, you’ll live by MY RULES.

Happy graduation, Eva!