A Brief Conversation About the MTV Video Music Awards
Andy Scott: So I used to get way more excited when I would say this, but the VMAs are on Sunday.
Robert Kessler: Yes, I've heard about this. Fairy twerking princess Miley Cyrus told me they're in Brooklyn this year, which means it's cooler because there's Warby Parkers there.
AS: I feel like the last music video I watched was for "Single Ladies." I actually watched it last week. Still good.
RK: The only music videos that matter to me are Ciara's and One Direction's. For very different reasons.
AS: Well, that's actually one of the things I wanted to bring up. Not to make this a whole "PLAY MORE MUSIC VIDEOS HAHA" thing, but is anybody really watching to see which video wins what?
RK: No. I mean, I don't know. Shout-out to you if you're like, "I just can't wait to see if that Bruno Mars gets his Moonman!!!" But, no. No one is watching for that.
AS: I think the actual awards lost their impact the year the Pussycat Dolls won -- and then when Britney Spears won everything for her "personal recovery."
RK: What everyone is watching for is the TOTALLY UNSCRIPTED madness that MTV has planned for us. Will Beyonce be pregnant again? Will MIA be pregnant again? Do you remember how pregnant she was that one time though?
AS: Yes! I'm gonna go with Macklemore, by the way.
RK: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Macklemore. There. I said it.
AS: He has the most nominations. So does Justin Timberlake. I actually liked the video for "Mirrors." It made me sad!
RK: I know! Emmanuelle Riva was so good in it! Anyway, yes. They will be giving Justin Timberlake all the awards this year.
AS: I think they're going to give it to Robin Thicke -- like Video of the Year.
RK: I don't know, that's sort of a bold statement to make, what with all the nudity and rape vibes and all in "Blurred Lines."
AS: It had a hashtag!
RK: Keep in mind, MTV is a television network that exists solely to market, like, cellphones to tweens so they don't want to piss anyone off.
AS: Again, it had a hashtag! But speaking of tweens: Austin Mahone is performing. Who is that?
RK: I personally do not know who or what an Austin Mahone is, but I hope it's just Chris Brown in Groucho glasses hoping we'll finally forget he nearly killed Rihanna. "Hey, look, I'm a different person! See how I dance? Love me!"
AS: I'm looking over the rest of the performers list and it just looks so predictable. Like, we know Lady Gaga will try to do something crazy and it will just come across as lame.
RK: I do not joke about Lady Gaga for fear of her online army.
AS: But like, even anything that Miley or Kanye do during their performances will feel predictable too. Does this mean the pressure is on Drake?
RK: All eyes on Drake is basically my mantra. But yes, Drake and Daft Punk.
AS: Oh yes. See! Even that surprise was ruined by Colbert. It's like the time my sister told me to "open the Mighty Max" on my birthday.
RK: That would be a very sad time. It would be even sadder is there was no Mighty Max.
AS: Oh, there was, but I kind of wanted it to be a Polly Pocket, instead. Anyway. So why are we watching the VMAs, then, besides the fact that we have to for work?
RK: Because VMAs : Grammys :: Golden Globes : Oscars. It's the show where the stars get drunk and misbehave.
AS: That's a good point.
RK: Maybe Lady Gaga will fall off her heel. Maybe Miley will crack a grill. Let's watch! Will Beyonce be there this year? She and Jay-Z are like the Grand Duke and Duchess of Barclays Center.
AS: It would make sense for them to go, but I also feel like they don't care? Didn't Jay-Z abandon the Nets already?
RK: I mean, yeah, but that doesn't mean that Barclays isn't still their Kensington.
AS: Will Prince George be there?
RK: Yes. Lady Gaga is going to make out with him on stage and then stage a coup and overthrow the British monarchy and you can see it all on MTV this Sunday at 9 ET!!!
AS: Sold. Well, besides that what are you most looking forward to (possibly) seeing?
RK: My boyfriend Zayn's face.
AS: Congrats on your engagement btw.
RK: Thanks, we're very excited. We're planning a couple's eyebrow threading trip for our honeymoon.
AS: You're sort of proving my point, because we've barely talked at all about the nominees -- or the show itself. It's pretty much just three hours of mindless television, right?
AS: That you, like, awkwardly text your friends about at 7PM. "Are you watching the VMAs?" "Oh, right. Yeah I guess."
RK: I mean, it's a very good excuse to drink a little too much on a Sunday night. "Drink every time you want to roll your eyes." It's like the Republican presidential candidate debates in that way.
AS: With Ryan Lewis. Sorry. I had to mention him somewhere.
RK: Feat. Ryan Lewis. Ryan Lewis is going to bum rush the stage at some point a la Lil Mama during "Empire State of Mind."
AS: Ugh. Let's just end this by predicting Best Choreography.
RK: Are either Ciara or Janelle Monae nominated in that category? If so, I predict them.
AS: Ciara is!
RK: "Body Party" deserves all the VMAs for this alone.
AS: Oh wow, Lana Del Rey is nominated for Best Cinematography. On that note, I will see you on Sunday.
RK: Okay yes see you Sunday! Can't wait! Very excited! Go Macklemore!