Madonna Celebrates Madonna with a Wacko ‘Harper’s Bazaar’ Cover Story Written by Madonna

November’s Harper’s Bazaar features a cover story about Madonna, by Madonna and, ostensibly, for Madonna. It is, in her own words, “daring.” Madonna’s tale covers randomly chosen moments from throughout her life, like an ill-managed scrapbook without photos. One minute she’s in high school, then she’s in England; she’s reading Aramaic and then she’s studying Qur’an. She uses the word “dare” or some form of it 18 times. Here are some things we’ve learned.

Madonna still plays truth or dare

Madonna seems unclear why the phrase “truth or dare” has come to be associated with her name, though it could have something to do with the documentary about her or her lines of shoes, handbags and fragrances all bearing that name. Nevertheless, she apparently still plays every horny teenager’s favorite game. “However, you have to play with a clever group of people. Otherwise you’ll find yourself French-kissing everyone in the room or giving blow jobs to Evian bottles!” Blow Jobs to Evian Bottles: The Madonna Story.

Madonna’s first sartorial influences were Russian peasants

I refused to wear makeup and tied scarves around my head like a Russian peasant.

She also spent her free time waiting in long lines for her weekly rations.

Madonna have a very rough first year in New York City

It did not welcome me with open arms. The first year, I was held up at gunpoint. Raped on the roof of a building I was dragged up to with a knife in my back, and had my apartment broken into three times. I don’t know why; I had nothing of value after they took my radio the first time.

Madonna has a revisionist history of her dating life

I decided that I needed to be more than a girl with gold teeth and gangster boyfriends.

Among Madonna’s ex-boyfriends are Sean Penn, Vanilla Ice, Lenny Kravitz and Warren Beatty. Hardly gangsters.

Madonna: Freedom Fighter

[J]ust because I was a freedom fighter didn’t mean I was qualified to raise a child.

It’s not clear which revolution she’d have been fighting in in 1993, but fight the power, Madge.

Madonna had to train herself to enjoy sticky toffee pudding

While living in England (another daring thing she did), Madonna says she eventually grew to love the British dessert which is sponge cake, dates, toffee sauce and ice cream. It’s almost inconceivable that anyone would need to grow to love it.

Madonna has a mysterious book and she dares you to read it

In my book, everyone is doing something daring. Please open this book. I dare you.

Triple dog.