Watch a Reading of the Best Ashton Kutcher Fan Fiction Ever

Lusty fan fiction starts in middle school.  It may get more graphic as the author gets older, but the dream of falling in love with the subject is birthed during those awkward teenage years.

According to, a seventh grader Melissa Bell took to the stage at Forrest Park Middle School’s talent show back in 2006.  In her hand was a fan fiction piece on Ashton Kutcher, which most likely wasn’t read over by a teacher beforehand (nor was her last name).

The result was something out of 30 Rock.  Bell spoke of Kutcher’s pit stop in front of her school, where a dance was being held.   Though he only stopped to stretch his legs, Kutcher and his driver thought it would be a good idea to go inside.

“I am a little lonely tonight,” Kutcher said to his drive, “and I have a feeling I might meet someone special there.”

It gets so much better.

Ashton went into the dance. Everyone made a big deal about him and asked for his autographs. They knew him mostly as Kelso and had not seen him in everything else he had done, especially not ‘The Butterfly Effect’ fourteen times. Susan Walcott pushed out her B-cups to get his attention. But Ashton did not even notice her as he walked past her and her Uggs from last year.

Kutcher and Bell danced to “Since U Been Gone,” ignoring the 12-inch rule enforced by chaperones, including the science teacher, who let this instance slide because he could see how important Kutcher and Bell were to each other.

‘I am so glad I requested my driver to stop in Franklin, Kansas,‘ uttered Ashton. ‘I want to tell you that you are very different from the L.A. girls I have met, but in a good way. Also, you will get your period soon.’

Kutcher and Bell then left the dance and hopped in his limo, where they would step out as a couple at a Hollywood premiere.

They Frenched, and Geeves passed back a bottle of Crystal for them to celebrate with.

Never change, Melissa Bell.